In My Life
by double scotch.single malt
Summary: A Meredith and Derek ficlet, mid-S2 throwback, circa Episode 2.12, "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer". Think the holiday episodes, but with a plot twist, of course!
1. Part 1, 'I can't get away from him,'

****Author's Note: So, where do I begin … this idea came to me during the week between Christmas and the New Year, alas … it ended up being a lot more than the two-shot I intended, now completed in a string of six (smallish) chapters.****

**Sorry for the long wait on updates to my other two stories, but now that this is wrapped up, I'll get to editing those. Thanks in advance for your time and I truly hope you had a joyous holiday season.**

**The song I used for this is one of my all time favorite tunes from The Beatles, though I think one of the best versions I have ever heard came from Bette Midler in the film, "For the Boys". Take a listen wherever you can.**

**In My Life**

There are places I'll remember  
>All my life though some have changed<br>Some forever not for better  
>Some have gone and some remain<br>All these places had their moments  
>With lovers and friends I still can recall<br>Some are dead and some are living  
>In my life I've loved them all<p>

But of all these friends and lovers  
>There is no one compares with you<br>And these memories lose their meaning  
>When I think of love as something new<br>Though I know I'll never lose affection  
>For people and things that went before<br>I know I'll often stop and think about them  
>In my life I love you more<p>

Though I know I'll never lose affection  
>For people and things that went before<br>I know I'll often stop and think about them  
>In my life I love you more<br>In my life I love you more

###

**In My Life – 'I can't get away from him,'**

Meredith sighed and blinked and even though her life stunk, she had to admit, the twinkling lights were beautiful and somewhat calming … red, green, white and sometimes blue and yellow, they were gorgeous. She inhaled sharply and closed her eyes, her shoulder touching Izzie's as she lay next to her on the floor, the rustic and earthy aroma of the Christmas tree filling her lungs, the wild fire crackling with life as it danced on the hearth and warmed her feet.

She exhaled and felt an unexpected tear jerk just under her eyelid. She sniffled as it slipped free and traveled down and into her hairline where it became lost, but not forgotten. She cleared her throat and opened her eyes, finding with ease now the shimmering star of hope looming high above them.

_Exhaustion claimed her, and as it did, her thoughts of course drifted to Derek where she failed to stop her head from spinning in the wrong direction. Where was he? How was he? Was he happy? What was happiness anyway? _

Her stomach twisted and she scoffed inside, loathing the weakling she'd become, though she fully accepted now that happiness and everything that came with it was somewhat relative … relative, she surmised to certain other ranges of **un**happiness. The star of hope became blurred, its precise edges marred by a small storm of waiting tears that welled in the jewels of her emerald green eyes … _blink, blink_, she set them free. Izzie remained calm and still and simply reached for her hand.

A quick flurry of footsteps interrupted her internal tirade, a smile crept upon her face: _Doc_. She closed her eyes again; the holiday lights and her new smile faded away, though the emptiness she'd been besieged with did not. Her mother popped into her head, but she quickly set her free, realizing, that even though it seemed like Santa Claus had thrown up in the living room, her mother's home had never looked this festive before. The footsteps were back, though different this time, she still smiled. She opened her eyes … the star twinkled high above her.

"_What are we doing?"_ came George's voice.

"Lights," Izzie breathed softly, squeezing Meredith's hand as she did.

George shuffled into the room, stepped over their legs and took his spot next to Meredith on her left. He exhaled sharply and scooted closer to her, his forearm flanking hers as Doc barked into the seemingly empty room and came to settle himself down by the fire. She sighed and met George's large brown eyes briefly before she doted on Doc, watching the shadows from the fire cascade over his relaxed form. He breathed in and out and she watched his eyes close before she turned her attention back to the twinkle of the lights and their silent melody.

_She pushed out a breath and held her gaze upon a single red light and counted its cheery beat as it blinked in harmony within its string of lights. She shifted her weight and thought briefly about sitting up – about moving out from under the tree – she thought about moving on … but to where?_

_Where does one go when she or he is lost or haunted by the past? She could ask her mother that question, for how ironic was it that she too, was haunted and lost. Like mother, like daughter … or was it the other way around? _

The cards were stacked against her; of course she knew that the moment Addison had shown up out of nowhere. Of course she knew that Derek wasn't strong enough to fully own or accept what they had started together, for if he were, Addison would not have been a surprise at all. If he had been ready to … _'pick her or chose her'_ … he would have done so with conviction and been sure of the changes he wanted to make in his life. He wouldn't have been a coward about their _'relationship'_ as he liked to call it; he would have been sure enough to tell her about his relative … freedom, for everything was relative in the end.

_And of course, as it turned out, Addison was a strong woman – his wife of eleven years – and to that end, who was Meredith to belittle that? For the last thing she wanted to be was some kind of selfish home wrecker, like her mother was. She struggled to breathe at the thought, the air under the tree hardly refreshing now – inadequate, fragrant and hot – it funneled in and out of her lungs but hardly made a difference at all during this mild panic attack._

She felt tiny beads of sweat soak her brow as she dared herself not to think about Bonnie and Tom and the desperation of their situation, about pole and the aorta and Derek's impending decision, his choice. She tried not to think about it, about the logical medical _'choice' _to save one to forgo the life of the other: _Bonnie, her aorta, Meredith, 'what about her … what __about__ her' … what about them?_ Thick, salty tears stung her eyes and a swarm of unruly sadness claimed her, the loss just too great, for it was true … _'if love were enough'_, she would still be here … and perhaps so he would also still be here … with her.

Her heart quaked and her eyes welled up with those collected tears, her emptiness consuming her now as she once again came to terms with Derek's hasty departure within days of that trauma. Her mind effortlessly drifting to his land now, the forty acres as vacant and as barren as she felt now_: lonely, unloved, forgotten, bleak … and without the twinkling star of hope to shine upon it._ Already for sale (Gulfstream included). Already now a sad sight against the backdrop of the pale, damp Seattle winter. Still listed as of this morning … still available … and still Derek's, though oh so desolate now as it mocked and betrayed the very idea of all that it once stood for: _a new beginning, a place of his own, a breakaway from the mundane._

"I miss him …Derek … I miss him," she found herself confessing into the quiet. "And it's not the holidays, I hate the holidays – _I've never longed for anything or anyone in my entire life_ – not even my father," she rambled softly.

"What does Cristina say?" Izzie asked as she turned her head, Meredith fastened her eyes to the looming star.

"I'm not sure," Meredith mused, for Derek and any feelings she had for him had become taboo between the two of them.

"You're not over him yet," George offered. "Did you love him?" he wondered softly.

"Yes," she answered candidly.

He shifted next to her and she could tell that he had pinned his eyes to her face. "Well, did you ever tell him that?" he asked, his voice pitched higher.

"Yes," she answered. And then she blinked and turned toward him, her friend, her confidant.

"And what did he say?" he asked as he stared at her, the lights playing with his tufts of wild hair. She imagined he looked a lot like the boy he once was a long time ago.

She smiled. "Nothing," she sighed.

"He said _'nothing'_?" Izzie exclaimed harshly, her wide innocent eyes narrowing as Meredith turned toward her.

"I gave him the choice, remember?" Meredith prompted. "Joe's … sign the papers or … don't – _I said, 'pick me' –_ but before I said all that … I told him I loved him," she smiled weakly, her cheeks pink now.

"Oh … that was painful, watching you that night," Izzie sighed, her recollection resurfacing. "He left right after that, right after that train wreck," she stated evenly.

"He left a mess," George sighed, his eyes still on Meredith. "He chose wrong," he defended firmly.

"Yeah," Meredith scoffed. "That's what I'm going with too," she sighed breathlessly. "Still doesn't change the fact that I miss him …," she whispered into the confessional just between friends. "Doesn't change the fact that I feel haunted, day and night … and suddenly the holidays make it all seem so much worse," she lamented sadly.

"The holidays can do that," Izzie corroborated. "They can make us think of what might have been," she whispered. "Of … where we went wrong or what we might have … given up …," she muttered, her voice trailing off with uncertainty.

_Meredith listened to Izzie and watched as a forlorn, unreadable expression suddenly passed over her round, cherubic face. Her eyes so hollow, they startled Meredith and added another layer of depth to her complexity, for she was mourning something much greater than her failed attempt at a relationship with Alex. She was __so__ sad in that moment that the most gracious thing Meredith could have done was to avert her eyes – to offer her friend a modicum of privacy – and yet, so dumbfounded was she that she could not look away for fear of losing the moment of reflection. _

She tilted her head. "Izzie … I … what … happened …," she prompted hesitantly, her voice trailing off as she scanned her eyes … brilliant with color, still a magnetic blue, despite the layer of sadness now seen throughout their depths.

"I mean … aren't we supposed to reflect?" Izzie insisted now. "God, in some ways that's what I love about the holidays, it's also what I can't stand," she rambled on.

"I suppose," Meredith agreed soberly, still quite awestruck by the intensity of what she'd seen cross over Izzie's face.

_The trio grew quiet then, falling into a bevy of reflection. And as Meredith closed her eyes briefly, she listened to the sounds of the house, the crackle of the fire, the howl of the wind from the east … the tree branch as it scraped its way across the vestibule outside. And as much as she wanted to avoid and move on and live her life without Derek, she somehow knew she couldn't let go yet. Perhaps she thought now that it was this house – this living room floor in fact – this place that had ensconced their relationship at the beginning … this place that protected them when they were hiding out together … and separately too. _

Meredith opened her eyes and spoke again. "I can't get away from him," she concluded. "He's at work … he's here too … he's everywhere and I … I'm pretty sure he might have left Addison for me if that train wreck hadn't happened …," she voiced softly. "And I … I don't know if I _want_ to get away from him," she navigated carefully. "Ghost or not, I don't know if I'm ready to let go … to stop seeing him," she reasoned.

"It takes time to get over someone," George stated evenly, though the vibration of his voice betrayed him.

Meredith turned away from the lights and smiled weakly at George. She exhaled. "You need to get over me, George," she stated evenly. She tilted her head and regarded him then, watching a façade of horror cross over his boyish features. "Resolve to get over me …," she insisted softly. "You know you deserve better than what I can give," she whispered, pressing her lips together into a thin line as she studied his face. "You and I … we'll _always_ be friends, the _best_ of friends and we'll be better for it," she conspired; her bright eyes still pinned on his.

George smiled and chuckled weakly as his face became flushed. "I can be pretty transparent," he replied softly. "And … I'm glad we're friends, Meredith," he smiled and she knew he meant it.

"Me too," Izzie sighed breathlessly as she stared at the lights, twinkling, bright sparks made of fun and jolly.

"You're just not over him yet," George declared again after another minute. He turned his attention back to the lights.

"No …," Meredith sighed. "As pathetic as that is … I'm not," she agreed. "I'm … waiting, I feel like I'm still stuck in that limbo he put me in, even though he's not here – _even though he made his choice _– even though he went back to New York … I'm helplessly stuck, _here_ … without him," she said brazenly.

"You just need time," Izzie consoled, turning her head toward Meredith's. "Maybe another week!" she exclaimed brightly with wonder, her blue eyes shimmering against the lights. "The New Year is right around the corner, maybe all you need is some time and a brand New Year," she decided.

"Maybe," Meredith murmured softly as they looked at one another for a beat.

"You're not stuck, Meredith – _you're not_ – you just need to let yourself fall out of love … and that's … that can be complicated, especially around the holidays," she whispered. "You'll see, you'll meet someone else – _you'll move on from your past_ – go on a date with someone relatively unknown to you … and then Derek Shepherd won't haunt you anymore … I promise …," she sighed, her voice shaking.

_Meredith sighed and shook her head, once again forcing herself to focus on the dancing lights in the tree above them and that star of hope that had somehow become her beacon for now. It was nice here, she decided. Under the Christmas tree with her 'family'. It was nice and simple and it was anything but complicated. And she needed that, if only for a moment._

_But as much sense as Izzie made just now, Meredith also knew as soon as she would shut the door to her bedroom and slip into bed with Doc at her feet, that she would be plagued with restlessness and fear and loathing and … sadness. Because she wasn't lying before – she missed Derek – she longed for him and late at night, the masochist in her would rear her ugly head wherein she would inevitably heed her tortuous her call and allow herself to submit to that empty sadness he left behind._

_For deep inside that void, there were a steady stream of unanswered questions she privately allowed herself to dwell upon: Did he think about her at all? Was he happy? Did he love her at all or ever … and in the same unrelenting way she still loved him? And what was he doing … right then and there … what were his sad, beautiful eyes focused upon?_

**In My Life – Part 2 to follow.**


	2. Part 2, 'We love Christmas,'

**Author's Note: Aww, I missed you guys and your love notes! Thanks for all of your enthusiasm, it means a lot to me that you would still consider reading my material after a somewhat long absence and I can only hope to hear from you again as you read on.**

###**  
><strong>

**In My Life, Part 2 – 'We love Christmas,'**

Derek exhaled, his eyes tearing up as a frigid gust of wind whirled up and into his face. He shrugged against the cold, sinking into his leather bomber jacket, the naked trees both stiff and tall only creaking above him as he pressed his lips together and let his eyes roam along the neighborhood street – _still technically his neighborhood _– though now he resided just two blocks over and to the right of the brownstone he used to call, _'home'_. A reflexive tear moved out of the corner of his eye and slipped down and along his weathered cheek. He blinked his other waiting tears away and inhaled sharply, letting the New York cold infiltrate his body through his lungs.

Sighing, he turned and locked the front door, his palm pressed against the cold frame as he steadied himself and focused on the keyhole. It was crisp evening and the first time he'd stepped outside all day after having caught up on sleep following a complicated surgery the previous night. He turned around again, pushed his hands into his pockets and bounded down the stone steps, shaking off the last of his exhaustion and once again trying to disengage from the dreamscape he awoke from … _Meredith_.

_He pressed his lips together … she was __so__ real. So real he actually felt her. Soft skin. Green eyes. Silky tresses. Faint moans. Yes, she was __so__ real, he was shocked when he awoke and she wasn't tangled in the bed linens with him. So real that the reality of how things were … actually hurt._

"Damn it," he cursed as he crossed the street, holding his hand up to one of his elderly neighbors.

He pressed on, getting his heart rate moving as he headed toward Central Park – _skillfully avoiding his old block_ – for even the sight of their front door made him cringe with anger and hate … Mark with Addison, his wife. Still, even today, he was haunted. He couldn't step inside the house, it made him seethe and he couldn't believe she had expected him to move back in there with her! That she would expect them to be _'Addison and Derek'_ ever again was clearly a sign that she was delusional. He swallowed hard.

No, she hadn't realized that there were certain caveats to his coming back to New York, his chief request being they not live together … yet. His second absolute: that they would never live in their old place together again. And so serious was he about these conditions that she didn't protest in her usual _'Addison'_ way, neither was she passive or aggressive about it, she just accepted it and settled back into their old place … alone. No, she clearly hadn't contemplated the longer-term consequences of her actions. But here he was anyway; doing the best he could do because of the vows and the rings and because it was true, that he loved her once. He loved her enough to marry her, though he supposed now that everything in life was relative … even love.

_For now he knew that there were varying degrees of love and how strong its hold was upon a person and therein all he could think about was Meredith and her hold upon him and his apparent love for her. Yes, he loved her. A fact that became completely clear to him once he arrived back in the city, only to begin longing for Seattle and everything that had come along with it: fresh air, wide open spaces and unexpected, yet extraordinary love._

Though armed now with those lingering feelings, Derek felt he could do no more than honor what he believed was the right thing. And so in the spirit of trying to work on his marriage – _he compartmentalized those feelings _– setting them aside as he tried not to dwell on Seattle and Meredith. Truly, he believed that if he waited long enough, those feelings would pass. He had resided to wait in limbo, working occasionally as a visiting surgeon with some colleagues at Mt. Sinai Hospital while he often called Burke and Richard to check on things … and Meredith. And while he waited and avoided the troubles in his personal life (those compartmentalized feelings of love), he headed straight for what was sure to be his worst holiday season on record.

It was approaching 5 PM now and random strings of holiday lights had begun to pop against the darkening sky, just little illuminated sprays of light – _shimmering, glimmering clusters of hope draping along those naked tree branches and balconies and chimney tops_ – and in that moment their merriment offered Derek a reprieve from all the madness he'd been feeling.

Walking onward, he fished his wool cap from his pocket and pulled it over his head, moving swiftly through the park en-route to Barney's, trying to wrap his head around the looming holiday and the last gift he needed to purchase – _the last thing he __wanted__ to do_ – focus on a something special for Addison. He cringed, for so dismal was his holiday spirit now that all he wanted was to give her was the proverbial lump of coal.

His PDA vibrated against his hip just then and his heart leapt wherein he absentmindedly calculated the time difference between the coasts. He accessed his voicemail, his heart sinking as he listened to Addison's message:

"_Derek, okay for your mom, I found a lamb's wool blanket – handmade in Edinburgh – it's soft, comfortable and says 'don't hate me for hurting your son', except with fabric,"_ she joked lightly. _"I'll bet at Fred's tonight at six … we love Christmas, Derek, remember?"_ she sighed into the receiver. _"We just need to … you know, embrace it … … see you later, I won't take 'no' for an answer so … see you there,"_ she exhaled and ended the call.

His heart sank a little lower, dangerously close to ground zero as it typically did when faced with the prospect of seeing her. He struggled to breathe and exited the park at the zoo and turned onto Madison Avenue. From there he headed straight for his final destination, New York's famed shopping institution and one of Addison's favorite places on earth, Barney's. Exhaling, he breezed through the double doors and stepped inside the luxurious building where he stood still for a long moment and took in the sights before him: pristine marble flooring, finished wood accents, perfectly placed sconce lighting, everything polished and flawless and posh and he thought then with a wry grin, how much the home he shared with Addison was made of those very same textiles … and then he invariably thought of his land and his trailer and began to shake his head.

Pulling his cap off, he walked through the lobby, expertly avoiding anyone holding a suspended perfume bottle as he moved. He navigated his way to Women's Accessories, his eyes briefly landing on some of the grand jewelry cases as he walked on and forward. An unexpected feeling if immense sadness coursed through him now as he touched on some of the happier times he'd spent looking for that breathtaking holiday gift, scrutinizing each piece as he searched for that perfect, eclectic _'special something'_ to give to his wife on Christmas morning, for Addison was right about one thing … they used to love Christmas.

Solemnly, he stood near a display of gorgeous silk and cashmere scarves. He sighed and took a deep breath, happy to be off and into a corner of the store that didn't teem with excitement. His eyes swept over the department and a saleswoman made eye contact with him and he nodded in assent. He heard the faint, steady beat of Harry Simone's _'Little Drummer Boy'_ as looked down and let his fingers move over a deep plum colored cashmere scarf.

_Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum  
>A new born King to see, pa rum pum pum pum<em>

The familiar beat of the carol strummed on and Derek turned toward the silk scarves but they blurred in a fury of unexpected emotion that had lodged itself in his eyes. He blinked and looked up and he focused for a moment on the palatial ceiling high above him and the sounds resonating all around him: _the untamed gaiety suddenly so overwhelming that he felt panicked._ He steadied himself on the counter and let his eyes once again sweep over the grand foyer, the glittering lights and energy of the entire place was indeed a shock to his system – _a painful reminder of the past colliding with the uncertainty of his future_ – he looked away from the scarves and caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror and therein he just stared at his reflection.

_I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum pum pum  
>I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum<em>

And as he really looked at the man he'd become, he decided his mother was right, that he had lost considerable weight and did not seem like the man he once was – _the sparks of energy and ingenuity were gone from his eyes_ – and instead they were dimmed and tamped out by such maddening betrayals made first by Addison and Mark and thereafter his own infidelities to himself.

_I played my drum for Him, pa rum pum pum pum  
>I played my best for Him, pa rum pum pum pum<em>

_His thoughts drifted to Meredith now and as they did, he realized that if he'd been shopping for a gift for her tonight, he wouldn't have known where to start. And as he stumbled upon that thought, all he knew for certain was that he wanted to find out. And so within that epiphany, Derek let his hand pass over the silk and cashmere fabrics one last time before he abandoned the idea all together and moved on to meet his wife at Fred's upstairs. _

_Then He smiled at me, pa rum pum pum pum  
>Me and my drum. <em>

###

Waiting in the main lobby for the elevator, Derek fixed his eyes upon the street corner outside, barely able to hold himself together now, for all he really wanted to do was flee, to get outdoors, out of the city and out of this self-imposed limbo. He felt suffocated, in more of a metaphorical sense than the physical – _he just wanted that breath of fresh air, he wanted the feeling he felt when he first moved to Seattle_ – he wanted Meredith.

The elevator chimed and a small group of people exited before he stepped on, pressed the button for the ninth floor and moved toward the rear the small space. The elevator lifted off and he felt a sharp pang of regret pinch his heart, low and deep. This private spot he believed dwelled on the mistakes he had made upon meeting Meredith. And as he felt the ache permeate from this small piece of himself, he allowed himself to own his feelings and simply ache … for her. He allowed himself to miss her and be torn apart by his need for her. And as he stepped off of the elevator – _he knew or had somehow proved to himself_ – that despite the relative miles he put between them that his feelings for her had only become intensified.

And with this acceptance, Derek walked briskly through the glass doorways with a renewed sense of purpose. He smiled at the hostess and then scanned the elegant bar off and to the right, knowing that Addison would be perched upon one of the high stools wherein he spotted her immediately and silently thanked whatever God was watching over them, that there was a lull in the typically busy hub of a bistro.

He took a moment then to watch Addison in her element, a catalog or magazine of some sort on the bar in front of her. A mirror behind her accentuated the regal column of her neck, her poise and stylish up-do, while a few loose scarlet tendrils framed her face. He smiled weakly, tilting his head as he regarded her – _the woman he once loved_ – with her pink cheeks and her spectacles perched upon her face wearing them more akin to an accessory rather than out of necessity. She looked up and spotted him there and smiled radiantly.

"Hey, Dr. Shepherd," she said as he approached. She removed her spectacles and set them down in front of her.

"Addison," he replied softly as she closed her magazine and held his gaze, her eyes bright and blue and sparkling against the subdued lighting.

"What are you drinking?" he asked as she took a small sip from a glass mug, steam rising from the tawny liquid.

Addison giggled. "It's a hot buttered rum. It's delicious," she answered, taking another small sip. "I took the liberty of ordering a scotch for you," she said thoughtfully.

Derek looked down and noticed a crystal tumbler there. "Thank you," he said casually, smiling as he regarded her again. "Your choice … it's Dickensian," he commented softly as he took another sip of his own elixir.

"Ah no, yeah, well it is Christmas," she answered timidly; she tilted her head.

"Hmm," he hummed as he pressed his lips together, his mind once again wrapped around the holiday.

"Christmas … Derek," Addison said softly. "We _love_ Christmas," she insisted. "At least we used to," she lamented.

Derek quietly held himself together inside, reining his emotions in with an invisible lasso of sorts. The time for lashing out had come and gone and he was just now realizing that he was finished with the charade … that their marriage was over. He swallowed hard and hesitated, also realizing that he'd been doing that all along – _hesitating _– pausing to make sure that he also knew their union had been broken. Addison had figured that out, regardless of how she handled her falling out of love with him … she had known that they were on a slippery slope. And now when faced with these realities – _he didn't know how to say what he wanted to say without hurting her_ – because the fact remained, he cared about her for more than a quarter of his life and that had to amount to something, a modicum of feelings, for if it didn't, what was it all worth?

"Christmas, Addison …," he heard himself murmur. "Hmm … makes you want to be with people you love," he whispered, she looked up to find him. "I'm not … saying this to hurt you. Because I don't … want to …," he continued, leaning closer, her eyes grew wide with uncertainty. Derek felt his heart shake. "Meredith … wasn't a fling," he stated evenly. Addison jerked her face away from his. "She wasn't revenge," he insisted quietly. "I fell in love with her … I still … love her …," he muttered, staring into her beautiful irises, instantly marred by what her brain was processing. "And that … the feelings I have for her … they aren't going away because I decided to … stay …," he shook his head. "No, not stay … to come back … here, with you …," he corrected himself.

_He heaved a sigh, his heart trumpeting as he watched Addison swallow hard and try her best to regain her composure, feeling quite like running himself, Derek was surprised that she did not excuse herself to the ladies room. Instead she took a small sip of her buttered rum and seemed to savor the taste on her tongue. Derek took a sip of his scotch and felt a wave of relief move over him akin to the pummel of a massage. _

Addison exhaled sharply and found Derek's eyes. "Our marriage is over," she stated calmly, staring at him.

"Yeah … I guess it is," he whispered, focusing on the surety he heard in her voice.

She smiled weakly. "I can bring the divorce papers by for you to sign tomorrow – _it's equitable_ – I'm sure you'll see it that way …," she uncharacteristically rambled.

"This doesn't have to be awkward," he found himself saying. "I know my timing is rotten," he continued, taking another sip from his scotch.

"Ah, the holidays," she snickered, but he could see a collection of tears well in her eyes. "I knew, Derek … I knew your heart wasn't in it," she said softly after a minute. "I think I felt desperate when I found out about Meredith and then I saw – _first hand_ – the way you look at her, I … I should have left alone …," she shook her head. "But then you suddenly decided to come back! And well, I should have been stronger, I should have left you there –"

"I wasn't sure what I wanted," he blurted out, cutting her off. "I just wasn't sure … until it wasn't … until she wasn't here …," he persisted, his voice hallow.

"I assume you'll call Richard … go back to Seattle," she wondered aloud.

Derek sighed heavily and thought about how to answer Addison. For he kept certain details of his departure from her and he knew what he was about to reveal would say all that needed to be said on the matter of his commitment to their union. For she was not aware that he had brokered a deal with Richard to include option for his return to Seattle Grace Hospital _without_ recourse for up to sixty days following his exit … he had essentially given himself an _'out' _if it didn't work with her and New York.

"Yes … my position is still open actually … I ah, brokered it that way with Richard," he confessed.

Addison looked up from her drink to find him. "You did know then," she accused, though her tone was soft. He watched her collect herself yet again. "You …," she tried to continue. "You didn't know what I could see so easily … but in some way, Derek – _if you left that door open _– you must of known this wasn't going to work," she concluded.

"I suppose so … I'm sorry – _I'm sorry for coming back like this_ – for not giving this try one hundred percent," he replied candidly. "And for my part from before … for whatever happened before Mark … for how I let you down … I truly am sorry," he said and he meant it.

"I know … and … I think we're both sorry," she surmised evenly. "I think we both _should_ be sorry, because if we aren't … what was it worth?" she mused thoughtfully.

_Derek pressed his lips together and nodded in assent. The pair were silent for a long time then and Derek found himself wondering what a passerby might think of them – a couple in a cozy corner, whispering to one another a few days shy of the miracle of Christmas – would a stranger be able to tell that they had also become strangers to one another? Would some unsuspecting person believe that they just agreed to end their eleven-year marriage? Did they look defeated or relieved? And to that end, he wondered if he were sitting at Joe's with Meredith, would a passerby be able to see the way they looked at one another … and the way he felt the world fall away when he was looking at her? _

_And so as he pondered those thoughts and more, all he could think about was Meredith and fresh air and Seattle and starting over, from the beginning with her (if he was fortunate enough to get a second chance to prove himself). And there inside that moment of truth, he wondered what he would look like? Living that life … the one he started in Seattle, but this time with his conscience clear. _

_He tilted his head back and took the last swill of his scotch and as he did, relief found him again wherein he spied himself in the mirror behind Addison, looking now to see if the waves of relief he felt were readily visible upon his face … and they were. The sad man he'd seen earlier had already begun to fade away and into the not-so-distant past as he focused now with a clearer conscience on Meredith Grey and getting back to her. And then he smiled. _

**In My Life – Part 3 to follow.**


	3. Part 3, 'He made a smart move,'

****Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et all.****

**Author's Note: **Thanks gals for your notes, I really am happy you are enjoying this story, it really came together for me, nice and quick, very cohesive without a lot of editing, so I am so happy to just share it! **I do so appreciate the anonymous notes from 'stilllovesgreys', 'lourdi' and 'juni' ... and to 'dgagrica', I do agree, your shout out to Judy Collins on her, 'In My Life' rendition ... it's completely warranted! **

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**In My Life – Part 3 – 'He made a smart move,'**

The early morning wind bellowed across the gray choppy plain of the Elliott Bay. Unruly white caps swirled under the heavy weight of the vessel as it glided across the water. Damp tufts of air breezed through the small opening of the car window and Meredith rested her head against her seat back and closed her eyes as she resumed listening to the hum of the ferryboat motors and the water as it churned all around them. She relaxed her back, lulled by the lapping of the water, her vertebrae finally snapping into place as she exhaled. Doc shifted in the back seat, releasing his own whine of contentment.

She exhaled again, trying her best to work through some breathing exercises she had learned – _ counting up to five, she inhaled slowly until she released that same breath, counting backwards from five – she completed this several times in succession. When she was finished, she quieted herself and paused for a moment, assessing her overall status. She sighed and thought to start again, as though the counting and breathing had amounted for something, realizing she hadn't thought about the ride out here … or Derek … or taking some space since she began – and then, just like that_ – she was back to thinking about everything she had started out to avoid!

_ Hours alone. Her mother. The Chief and her mother. Derek and New York and Addison. The shambles of her life. _

The tempo of the motors changed then and Meredith slowly opened her eyes, the coastline coming into view now from her perch. She inhaled, filling her lungs with the salty, fresh air, a sudden rush of insecurity claiming her as she once again second-guessed her hasty decision to take this early morning sojourn. She looked at Doc through the rearview mirror and smiled – _he needed this_ – a change from his routine (tearing up the backyard) and so did she.

_She just needed something to happen … to change … she needed sign! She was on the precipice of a brand new year … something had to happen! It was New Year's eve for crying out loud!_

Stifling her runaway emotions, she tried breathing again – _'one … two … three'_ – but quickly aborted the idea because all she really needed was to clear her head … to take some space … and distance herself from her life and _really_ think. And so faced with a rare morning off (and silently thanking God for the eighty-hour work week limit) – _she thought of those empty forty acres on the other side of the bay _– an then of course, her thoughts swirled around Derek and before she knew it, she thrown some clothing on, grabbed Doc and they were off.

The ferryboat slowly began to dock and therein she couldn't help but think about the first time he had brought her out here … just days before Addison had shown up. And that thought alone made her heart race and therein, her reflexive tailspin had begun – _although the way she looked at it, at least it was something_ – at least out here, she could allow herself to submit to the distraction of combing through the web of her relationship with Derek without the fear of killing someone at work if she did.

_Reflexively now, her stomach twisted in a tight knot, pinching her as it cinched and churned. She felt her cheeks heat with embarrassment and shame and anger – ensuing her now customary maelstrom of mixed emotions directed at both Derek and herself – finally surrendering to the pressure of it all as she broke down and allowed a set of hot, tiny tears to pop from her unwilling eyes. She blinked hastily and inhaled sharply into the private moment of weakness, her heart thumping wildly as she did her best to ward off the balance of the panic attack … 'Derek', she silently whispered in agony, her heart twisting in chorus with her stomach now. _

"Crap," she muttered weakly, feeling more miserable than she might have if she just stayed in bed and did loads of laundry all day to pass the time … alone … and think.

_She sniffled, yeah this seemed like a better alternative earlier, though now she considered it more akin to a feeble attempt to contemplate the ruins of her life … the sorrowful and painful realization of unrequited love for the only man she'd ever loved before. Oh yeah, she mocked, so far this was so much better! A raucous snort escaped from her lips as she shook her head in silent protest, but to what … she wasn't sure._

Sighing in defeat now, she peered up and through the crack in her window … the sky both gray and foreboding. Blinking, she hastily collected the last of the tiny emotional pieces of herself and carefully packed them away where they belonged for eternity … to her and only her. Her attack on herself was over, for now.

The ferryboat docked and Meredith listened with half of an ear to the drone of the instructions from the captain. She turned the key over and waited for the queue to start and eventually crossed over the threshold wherein she began to feel more grounded, even if the masochist in her was along for the ride. Because, she had to face it – _she still wasn't over Derek, not by a long shot, she fell in love with him and she couldn't help that_ – and right now at this moment, she missed him and for some lame ass reason, she longed to feel connected to him.

And out here … she was pretty sure they had done that. They had connected and it wasn't her imagination, for he let her into his world that night and trusted her to see him for what he really was: _just a guy who was trying to find himself alone out in the wilderness of the world_. And regardless of Addison showing up, she knew their relationship had really moved to a new, more intense echelon out here and perhaps even to the point of no return.

And so now as she turned off of the main road en-route to his private driveway, she realized that this was all she really wanted – _to get back to that moment and remember something good_ – she wanted to somehow remember their happiness because she was tired of feeling sad and lonely and angry all the time. Because it was true, those feelings weren't helping her get over Derek … and she thought that maybe harboring some happy moment – _like their last happy kiss might work_– now all she had to do was allow herself to cherish the memory … and let Doc run around in circles while she did.

She sighed and exhaled, surprised to see a car parked off to the shoulder and a woman dismantling the FOR SALE sign. Meredith's heart plummeted as her mind went wild with the repercussions of what was happening in this very moment, for if she was downtrodden before, surely now she would hit ground zero. Another panic attack rose again and she tried her best to ready herself to hear it.

_She felt sick over it.  
>It was over.<br>The land was gone.  
>And so was he.<br>Gone for good. _

Her palms grew sticky with sweat while she tried to think of something to say to the woman as she slowed the truck down. For the truth was, even though she wouldn't technically be trespassing (as there was no warning sign forbidding entry to the property), she hadn't actually thought about encountering anyone. She parked the truck just inside the turn of the driveway and walked on her shaking legs back to where the woman stood –_her heart forming a lump in her throat as she forced back another collection of weary tears_– knowing that even if she didn't want to hear it … she had to know the truth. She had to know it was over.

"Oh, hello," said the agent brightly, her black high heels dusty from the dirt driveway. "I ah … I hope you didn't come all the way out here to look at this property," she said with a smile, holding out her hand. "Sally Adams," she introduced herself, taking Meredith's hand in hers.

Meredith stuttered as she looked at the middle-aged woman, her eyes bouncing with confidence and happiness. "Oh … well I … Meredith – "

"Yes, Meredith … it's nice to meet you," Sally continued happily, releasing her hand.

"Likewise," Meredith croaked, her heart still pounding.

"I say it is shame that you drove all the way out … because, you see … the owner's taken the property off the market," she explained with her contiguous smile.

Meredith's heart leapt suddenly and she wondered what that meant. Her throat went bone dry. "Oh …," she was all she managed to say, her voice suddenly as shaky as her legs. "That's … too bad …," she whispered as another set of unexpected tears pricked her eyes.

"Yes, well … it is a lovely spot – _gorgeous actually_– has a lot of character and promise …a real future for that person who's willing to put down some roots," she mused thoughtfully.

_Meredith felt her knees go weak and while she wanted to pepper Sally Adams with a million questions, she found she was numb. She smiled instead, swiftly looking back to the truck to make sure of Doc. She couldn't see him. _

"So …do you have an agent helping you find that special place you're looking for? It's a new year, after all …," she smiled, raising the over-sized shades of her glasses.

Meredith smiled at her twinkling eyes. "Um, well … so … was there any reason the seller decided not to sell?" she inquired quickly, casually ignoring Sally's question.

"Not anything related to the property, if that's what you're asking," she intimated proudly. "Though if you ask me, he was right to pull it off the market – _he made a smart move_ – or … well, maybe he didn't!" she chuckled, shaking her head at what she thought was a _'private'_ joke.

_Meredith looked quizzically at Sally though her heart was now trumpeting with … something … the unexpected turn of events and this fact: the land was still belonged to Derek Shepherd. There was still a small glimmer of hope and yes, that indeed, was something. _

###

Under the premise of taking Doc for a walk to stretch his legs, Meredith successfully extricated herself from what could have been a long, superfluous conversation with Sally Adams. She inhaled deeply, savoring the fresh air as she found herself walking along the makeshift driveway – _free to wander as she pleased now _– trying her best not to get ahead of herself as she pondered the implications of what she had just learned, quickly deciding that it had to be enough … for now.

And the more she walked on, the more confident she became … she felt connected and aligned with Derek, for this place, Sally was right, was full of unearthed possibilities … and it _was_ gorgeous – _a quintessential breath of fresh air_ – and exactly what she needed today.

Smiling now, Meredith walked up and along a ridge that overlooked a small town below. She inhaled sharply and then released, a couple of wayward tears cascaded down her face then, reflexive in nature, though suddenly full of relief and expectation as well. She let them be. Blinking, she settled her hand on the top of Doc's head and breathed again, her eyes sweeping over the vast, undeveloped landscape – _this place was indeed a blank slate; made from unmarked and unmade histories _– likely everything Derek was looking for (and might still be searching for) when he purchased the parcel.

And on that last thought, she felt it, a cool, damp breeze push against her face and the form as a real smile covered her features – _because she realized she stumbled upon that special something she had been searching for_– she felt a change coming her way … and therein she was hopeful.

###

Later, Meredith was still encapsulated by her hopeful euphoria when she bade farewell to Doc and checked his food and water dishes. She ruffled his soft ears and gave him some love before she quickly left him outside and moved through to the foyer, gathering the last of her things before she swiftly exited the house and looked up to see the mailman raise his hand to her before he sped off.

She glanced at her watch and quickly grabbed the mail, heading back up the porch steps to take it inside, but stopped abruptly when she spotted a letter from Derek! Her heart gave out as she rushed to sit down on the porch swing that never swung. With trembling hands, she swallowed hard and slipped her finger beneath the flap of the envelope, feeling the grooves of the paper brush against the pads of her fingertips – _and then she smiled_ – suddenly lost in his message within a bevy of thick, spontaneous tears.

###

_Dear Meredith,_

_I wanted to write to you for some time now, but I couldn't find the words to tell you what I really needed and wanted to say. In the end, we both know how horribly I handled our situation. So many times I wanted to say the truth to you, but deep down, the more I got to know you … I knew I didn't want to lose you. Foolish rationale, I know._

_I am sorry for a lot of things, Meredith, for mostly everything. But what I'm truly most sorry for is hurting you the way I did … and then for leaving you the way I did. It was wrong to flee like that, it was weak and cowardly and insincere and inexcusable … it was everything I knew it was the moment I made the decision to leave._

_But of course now I know what I really knew all along: that I'm completely lost without you._

_Addison and I have ended our marriage (which is not the point of this letter) and I am coming back to Seattle (which is one of the points of this letter). And this time … I am not running away from anything – rather I am rushing toward something – something big, something life-altering and all-consuming … you … us … us._

_I'm in love with you, Meredith. I think I've been in love with you … forever. I know it sounds crazy … and I know I'm late in telling you that, I know. But I do love you, there is no truer statement I can make than, I love you._

_And so here's the thing … I'd like to know if you'd be open to starting over, with me … from scratch. I know … I know it's a lot to ask … but would you … give me a second chance? Because I really do want you to know me and I really, more than anything … want to know you._

_This is where my head is and our relationship is the first thing I'd like to discuss when I come back. I'm coming for the entire package this time … the extraordinary woman you are, the land, the job … and the endless possibilities. I want it all … with you._

_You don't have to answer this letter; there is no pressure … we can hopefully talk when I return because, it's true … I can honestly say all of this with the clearest of consciences now. So please, consider my appeal and take all the time you need … because you have a choice to make … and when I had a choice to make, I chose wrong._

_Happy New Year, Meredith._

_Love,_

_Derek_

###

Meredith quietly folded Derek's letter and slipped it back inside the envelope. She smiled through her wet eyes and glided her fingertips over her name and then his. She glanced at her watch and just like that, her desire to rush earlier to the hospital for her shift to keep her mind occupied, had vanished. She exhaled, a smile still etched along her face as she stood up and let herself back into the house.

She left the balance of the mail on the small entryway table, keeping Derek's letter for herself and breezed through the archway into the kitchen where she started a fresh pot of coffee before helping herself to one of Izzie's amazing chocolate cupcakes. She sat down and took a bite of the decadent cake and smiled at her girlfriend's genius … and then she did something she hadn't expected herself to do: _she dialed Derek's number_.

**In My Life – Part 4 to follow.**


	4. Part 4, 'Do you know the answer,'

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thank you for the notes, I do so appreciate your time and thoughtfulness and I hope this story meets your expectations (and your expectations of me)!**

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**In My Life – Part 4 – 'Do you know the answer?'**

"Meredith …," Derek said softly into his phone as he cradled it in place in the crook of his neck. "Hi …," he breathed, his heart racing as he stared out of his mother's kitchen window, turned the faucet off and began to dry his hands.

"_Derek … hi …,"_ came her soft reply, articulating his name in a breathless tone that matched his. _"How are you?"_ she asked. _"I received your letter … just now, today …,"_ she rambled, exhaling as her voice trailed off with uncertainty.

"I'm glad," he whispered as the quiet house engulfed him, suddenly thrilled his mother stepped out to grab a few last minute things from the market for their family New Year brunch the next day. "So …," he breathed as he moved out of the kitchen and into the living room.

"_So …,"_ she repeated and he could hear the slight quiver of her voice. _"What does this mean?" _she asked, exhaling into the line.

"Whatever you want it to mean," he replied softly, his eyes sweeping along the snow-covered front yard – _the tire swing just where it always was_ – hanging alone now on the low thick branch of the naked aged oak tree. "The choice is yours, I wasn't just implying that," he added, his voice and footsteps echoing into the vacant room as he moved.

"_I know … I know …,"_ Meredith murmured. _"But …,"_ she sniffled and oh how he wished he was there to see and hold her.

He turned the reading lamp on and sat down on the oversized armchair near the windows; his father's old chair … his spot. "I'm so … sorry, Meredith … for everything … I know, I know I've said that before … but I can't …," he exhaled and tilted his head back briefly. "I can't make anything work without you …," he intimated as he looked through the window again, his throat constricting as his eyes welled up and the tire swing became blurred, he blinked with haste and inhaled sharply.

"_I believe you … and I think I know how you feel," _she whispered wherein a wave of relief passed over him.

"You believe me," he repeated, quite mystified now as he rose from the chair.

_All was silent between the pair for a moment, each reflecting on their sentiments. Derek took a deep breath and wandered from the living room into the small study at the rear of the house, his eyes now casing the backyard, a classic winter wonderland – a place of refuge for his nieces and nephews – the tree house he built with his father, still there … still in use … a relic of his past, a tiny house of memories, though now outfitted with a set of pink lace curtains. He smiled. _

Meredith sighed and pulled him from his reverie. _"I have some things I'd like to tell you too,"_ she said hesitantly.

"All right," he replied, his mind still wild with the implications of her call. He sat down at his mother's desk, his eyes focused on her Christmas cactus and the bright pink blooms scattered upon it.

"_I …," _she sighed breathlessly._ "I miss you, Derek … so much," _she confessed. _"And I've been thinking … I mean, the way you just up and left …," _she said steadily. _"I just don't know what would have been worse … having you here and be unavailable … emotionally and physically …," _she sighed._ "Or … to find that you suddenly disappeared, almost like you were never here to begin with … like a beautiful dream that vanishes every morning," _she said with haste.

"Oh …," Derek exhaled weakly. "Meredith …," he breathed, his voice trembling now as his mind mulled over all of his sleepless nights … and his vivid dreams of her.

"_You …," _she exhaled sharply._ "You were the only man I ever considered to be worth it … that vulnerability that comes with … relationships," _she explained, her voice trembling now too._ "But I still don't know, Derek … it's something I've wondered about since you left … and I was hoping that maybe you know …," _she whispered. _"Do you know the answer?"_ she asked._ "Because I think I know …," _she reasoned aloud._ "I mean, what's worse? Never loving at all or … longing for that lover you miss more than … anyone … ever before_?" she pondered._ "Because I think I know the answer – because longing for you has been exhausting – and I'm numb and listless now … I am lost without you …," _she exhaled, her tone both shallow and somber._ "And so now I just … after reading your letter … I wonder if you've come to the same conclusion as I have," _she managed to ask, so clearly broken by him.

_A lone tear streamed down Derek's face and he let it be as he listened to her – this extraordinary woman he loved so very much – but somehow managed to betray. He blinked and another small set of tears pricked his eyes and began to travel down his weathered face, his mind reeling around this single fact: being separated from someone you love and can't fathom a life without, truly was tantamount to not really living at all. _

"I have … I think you know I have … being separated like this … I foolishly thought it would just pass – _how I feel about you_ – except those feelings only intensified … until missing you became even the air I breathed …,"he somehow managed to say, though he was unable to qualify himself any further as the world fell away a little more.

"_You've really been lost too,"_ she deemed gently, her voice cracking under pressure.

"Yes, more than lost without you," he suspired, his voice and heart shaking in tandem now.

Meredith exhaled into the line, her breathing stacked now. _"I really have missed you too," _she said softly._ "I mean – despite everything – more than I am mad at you, Derek … I've missed you terribly," _she conceded. _"And I can say I miss you … more than I trust you … or trust myself around you … I miss you,"_ she navigated carefully, softly.

"Oh, Meredith …," Derek struggled to speak. "I'm sorry …," he said gruffly. "So sorry I took so much from you… I'm sorry I've been so selfish," he ventured. "And oh … what mistakes I've made …," he wept, shrugging as his muffled cries consumed him. "So … many … too many," he husked as he broke further down and into himself.

_His heart shaking now inside that constant reminder of just how much he'd broken her, having taken with him, some part of her innocence … her sole reference to true love and the meaning of soul mates. He was a coward to try to leave and keep that for himself. He opened his mouth to say something to that effect … but only a warbled, strangled noise escaped from the bellows of his being. _

"_Let's not do this …,"_ he heard Meredith urge quietly then, skillfully bringing him to the surface again. _"Let's not, Derek … we __know__ what happened – we lived it – we __both__ know what happened," _she willfully concluded. _"You … you did what you felt you had to do – you took some space – and I get it, I do … I'm an avoider …,"_ she sniffled, exhaling sharply.

"Well … I'll always regret our beginning …," he offered as he tried to collect himself. "Always …," he repeated softly, sure now that she was shaking her head in agreement.

_The old lovers grew quiet again then, though truth be told it was comfortable now … a momentary reprieve from their collective burdens. Derek blinked and moved his eyes over the landscape in front of him again … he leaned back on his mother's chair and it creaked under his weight. He exhaled and listened to Meredith, focusing on her breathing as it became regulated, trying now to find her tempo and match his to it – breathing together – synchronizing with her again from afar. _

"Do you think …," he began again after another moment. "I wonder … if you'll ever be able to trust me again? Or if I even have the right to ask?" he wondered, wiping his eyes with the back of his free hand.

"_I don't know if I trust you…,"_ she offered sincerely. _"Trust is an earned commodity, Derek,"_ she deemed thoughtfully. _"But … I __want__ to trust you … so I'm gonna try to trust you …,"_ she exhaled into the line between them.

"Then I'm going to try my best to earn it," Derek promised them both.

"_Okay," _Meredith solidified.

"Hmm okay …," he repeated softly as another thought occurred to him. "Can I say something else to you …," he prompted then.

"_You can say anything to me,"_ she countered straight away and he smiled.

"In the name of earning your trust … I just … I wanted you to know … I never moved back in with Addison …," he breathed, trying to still his heart. "I just … I couldn't … and I don't want you to think I've been more … untrue … to you … and to how I feel about you … or about us …," he rambled apologetically. "I just … wanted you to know that …," he muttered.

"_You've been living alone … all this time … ,"_ she stated evenly and he could hear the relief in her voice. _"You didn't want … to betray … us …," _she sighed and he could tell she was crying.

"No, I didn't … I just couldn't fathom it, when it came down to it … I never even considered it …," he offered softly.

"_I'm … thank you, for telling me that,"_ she said softly. _"Knowing that somehow…,"_ she chuckled. _"I might actually be able to sleep tonight,"_ she whispered in confidence.

Derek smiled weakly. "I'm glad," he murmured softly, feeling a weight released from his shoulders. "Me too … sleep's been hard to come by … better lately, for me … but … I just needed you to know that …," he intimated truthfully.

_There was another long moment of silence between them then. Derek took several deep breaths and heard his mother's car pull into the driveway along the side of the house. He exhaled and Meredith did the same. His mother entered the house through the garage into the kitchen and therein the world seemed to start spinning again._

"_I have a shift,"_ Meredith reported then. _"I have to go now or I might be late …,"_ she added, her melodic voice trailing off.

"Can I call you again?" he asked quickly, his heart suddenly racing again. "As I wrap things up here … can I call you?" he sighed. "I'd like keep talking, working on … us … if that's what you want," he breathed.

"_I'd like that … I want that too,"_ she replied and he could tell she meant it. _"Happy New Year, Derek,"_ she breathed softly.

"Happy New Year, Meredith," he replied with a lingering smile … and then she was gone.

_Derek snapped the phone shut and sat back for a long moment, his eyes moving around the cozy room as he rotated the chair, spying with a smile, his mother's endless display of family photographs … some new, some so old they withstood the test of time. He smiled at his family, moving on from memory to memory … until his smile faded and he noticed something, that at first, seemed so peculiar: the sensible removal of his wedding portrait ... gone from its usual place upon the mantle … the place where it had been displayed for the past eleven years. _

_He sighed and stood and took several large steps toward the mantle, smiling as he scrutinized the photo his mother had moved into its place … focusing on her smile therein … a smile so genuine and true as she sat surrounded by her fourteen grandchildren. Derek tilted his head and further pondered the portrait's replacement … a clear representation of the future. A perfect replacement, one truly fit for all time. Exhaling, he lingered for a moment longer, staying in his same spot as his mother walked into the room and came to stand next to him. He smiled and turned toward her._

"Your sisters' idea," she shrugged.

"Hmmm … and here I thought it was yours," he teased with a tiny smirk as her eyes widened.

"Oh, well son … I hardly argued with them … for once we all agreed on something," she mused softly.

"And what was that?" he wondered, raising his brow, he tilted his head in amusement.

"That your marriage is over … and you have to look into your future," she replied with a sincere smile.

"It feels right this time …," he acknowledged. "Things are falling into place, I think …," he exhaled, mulling over his conversation with Meredith.

"I agree … your timing is better suited for success this time," she appraised. "And Meredith …," she pondered with a small knowing smile. "Were you speaking with her just now?" she asked quickly, prying as much as she knew he would tolerate.

Derek smiled and turned to her. "I was … but you already knew that, didn't you?" he asked with a smirk.

His mother chuckled. "I surmised as much, yes … your tone was hushed, too intense and too passionate to be used with anyone else …," she smiled warmly, this time tilting her head. "How is she?" she asked of him then.

"She's well … she's … perfect actually," he doted affectionately. "I wrote to her, set it all down on paper – _I told her about the divorce_ – I told her everything I ever wanted to tell her, but never had the guts to before now," he muttered, his eyes meeting his mother's again.

"So … you're feeling optimistic? About things …," she wondered aloud, her all-seeing eyes pinned on his.

"I am … hopefully so …," he answered. "All I can do is hope ... and I think … it's all Meredith can do too … hope that things will be different this time …," he breathed.

"And did she call you?" his mother prompted, a small amount of hope in her tone.

"Yeah … I left it … I said no pressure … in my letter, but she called …," Derek smiled widely, still somewhat mystified by his good fortune. "And we had a nice conversation – _heavy and emotional of course_ – but … necessary … and meaningful…," he smiled as he reflected.

_His mother sighed and he watched her eyes sweep along the frames of smiling faces … happy memory after memory. She turned to him and rested her warm hand along his forearm._

"Meaningful is good and healthy – _it's a step in the right direction_ – but you'll you have to watch _every_ step with her, Derek … you have a lot to prove to her …," she cautioned seriously.

"I know, Ma," he acknowledged firmly, watching as an unwelcome shiver claimed her for a beat. "Come on …," he urged, draping his arm along her strong shoulders. "I'll build a fire for you," he suggested.

His mother smiled and he felt her sink into his embrace, just enough. "It'll be a busy day tomorrow …," she said wistfully as they moved. "But it's nice and quiet now," she sighed with appreciation.

"It is … it's nice to be home, Ma," Derek replied.

"I'm glad you're staying here tonight," she smiled thoughtfully as they entered the family room.

His mother flipped the floodlights on; a soft yellow light illuminated the pleasant room. Derek knelt down at the hearth and released the flue. "Me too …," he smiled, looking up and back at her.

_His mother sighed with a smile and exited the room, heading for the kitchen and he got to work, first by moving several logs from the woodpile to the hearth. Once he had a smaller pile to work with, he began checking the moisture of each chopped piece before stacking them into place … this went on for several minutes and while he worked, the emotional stress he'd felt earlier began to ebb, slightly. And the calmer he became, the more he was naturally inclined to think about Meredith … and finally know in his heart that thinking about her wasn't a crime … thinking about her was no longer a betrayal … to anyone. Because he was almost free … they were free. And it was a beautiful thing._

_Sighing with a renewed sense of contentment, he reached up to the mantle and grabbed a box of long matches, wherein he began to make batons of old newspaper and light them akin to torches before he masterfully situated each one in a strategic position for igniting the logs. Derek felt pleased as the fire began to take hold and warm his face and hands. He smiled with satisfaction and stood up, turning around to find his mother enter the room, this time with a large tray upon which she had set a healthy selection of cheese and crackers, dried fruits and nuts along with a large bottle of stout and two Pilsner glasses. _

She set the tray down on the coffee table and Derek sat down next to her. She poured some stout into each Pilsner glass and handed one to him, raising it as she held his gaze, her deep, knowing eyes sparkling as she spoke._ "_This year … I hope you revere it as you should … a new beginning, second chances are hard to come by … and life is too short not to … seize the moment …," she smiled and held her glass steady.

"I will …," he said with a genuine smile. "To new beginnings," he added, raising glass to meet hers.

"Yes …," she sighed before taking a small sip of the dark amber liquid. "Happy New Year, son," she said, holding his gaze.

"Happy New Year, Ma," he smiled as he sat back and into the deep sofa and finally let the tension ebb, just enough.

_Sighing now, he fixed his eyes on the gorgeous roaring flames of the fire – his thoughts still circulating around his mother's trademark ideals of romanticism – ever so thankful now for that coveted second chance he'd been blessed with … this rare chance to begin anew … with Meredith in Seattle._

**In My Life – Part 5 to follow.**


	5. Part 5, 'The woman I love,'

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks again for reading and for the support. I would also like to thank juni, mona, lourdi50 and kate for your anonymous reviews, I do appreciate your thoughtfulness!  
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**In My Life – Part 5 – 'The woman I love,'**

Derek stood at the designated luggage carousel and waited for his bags and for a moment he once again pondered how different his life was than the first time he'd taken that flight from New York and landed here. His eyes swept the baggage claim lounge and he remembered how dislodged he felt from everything he'd ever known or trusted and how alienated he felt. He remembered leaving the airport and heading straight for The Archfield where he stayed for precisely one night before he realized he sought something else entirely … for the hotel, while grand, was too ostentatious or busy or social and he was looking for seclusion.

A reflective smile settled upon his face now as he remembered the first ferryboat he'd wandered onto and how he ended up on the other side of the Elliott Bay where he ultimately stayed for a few days in a small town near the land he eventually purchased. His land. His smile deepened as he remembered that first walk he took upon that property that ended up becoming his prize. A ripple of adrenaline traveled up and down his spine now as his mind moved further on to Meredith – _the real gem of the story_ – his lifeline that somehow became the love of his life.

_To say that things had improved for both he and Meredith since the New Year had come and gone would have been an understatement – for they had spoken many times over the course of the last few weeks – and each time, their conversation had taken on a life of its own until they were no longer strangers or estranged … but something else entirely. They were true friends, old lovers … and soul mates now – and without hesitation – they were reconciling and salvaging their relationship. And therein, without even trying, their tumultuous beginning became something of their mutual history … one they had ultimately survived, together. _

The baggage carousel began to move abruptly, an alarm sounding as a bright blue light began to twirl overhead and within that flurry of movement, Derek's return to Seattle was in full swing again. He spotted his bags almost immediately and made a beeline to grab them, pulling the duffle over his shoulder as he smiled at the attendant and moved out of the waiting area, through a set of double doors and onto SEA-TAC's main arrivals terminal.

He felt the damp, cool air cloak him and thin particulates of humidity tickled his face – _but to him_ – it was as if he covered himself with an old childhood blanket. It was comforting … he inhaled sharply; he missed this air … fresh, salty … Seattle. He merged into the line to hire a taxi, his mind on little else besides Meredith's plan to meet him at the trailer after her shift ended, though if he had his way, he would have headed straight to the hospital to see her, get settled and start living again.

Chuckling at his urgency to see her, he pulled his PDA from his hip and decided to leave her a voicemail … he was back … his flight landed. Relief flooded his veins at the thought, but as he dialed, another call came through – _Richard Webber's name blinked on the LCD_ – Derek switched his focus and took the call instead.

"Richard," he smiled warmly, his eyes scanning the scenes before him.

"_Ah, Derek … where exactly are you?" _his mentor wondered, the familiar baritone of his voice, though subdued, seemed a lot like a _'welcome home'_ sign.

"I just landed … is everything all right?" Derek inquired, his heart trumpeting; he stepped forward in the queue – _the Chief hesitated to answer_ – no, something wasn't right. His heart sank. "Is it Meredith?" he dared himself to ask.

"_Ah, no … no, I have a situation here – a code black –"_

"A bomb? On the grounds? Where?" Derek wondered all at the same time, his mind reeled, pinning itself to Meredith … _please, please _… he sighed from somewhere deep inside.

"_A patient … well, it seems he came in with a homemade variety – some kind of a bullet, a bomb – that never detonated … it's ah … presently it's inside his chest cavity, Burke's with him," _he announced, his booming voice suddenly taciturn … stoic._ "I need all hands on deck for this, Derek, if you're up for it," _he surmised evenly.

"Of course, listen, I'm next in line for a taxi here … so I'm about fifteen minutes out," he estimated.

"_Perfect … perfect, I'll tell the bomb squad to expect you," _Richard replied swiftly._ "And listen Derek … Dr. Bailey … she's in labor and her husband got into a nasty accident on his way over –"_

"Oh?" Derek prompted nervously. "Well … he isn't … is he …de –"

"_He's your first patient," _Richard interrupted._ "His __head CT shows a left side depressed skull fracture and a temporal epidural hematoma … so far he's holding steady with Dilantin,"_ he reported steadily.

Derek's mind went wild … _Bailey_. He exhaled. "Listen, I won't hold you up – _I'm getting into the taxi now_ – see you soon," he said as he ended the call, suddenly wishing he were already there. He snapped the PDA shut and walked toward the trunk where he met the driver and dropped his bags inside. "Seattle Grace Hospital," he requested with purpose as he slipped into the back seat. The driver nodded in assent and they sped off.

Once on the road, Derek exhaled sharply, the picayune events of the day had all but evaporated, everything from getting out to the trailer, picking up some food, making sure he was ready to meet Meredith again – _all of it went out the window_ – he sighed, his mind spinning as he dialed her number again. Without much of a surprise, his call went straight to voicemail.

"Meredith," he sighed, trying his best to steady the quake of his voice. "I'm here and I just spoke with Richard," he continued. "I'll be heading straight into the O.R., working on Bailey's husband … so, find me … and just … keep yourself safe," he husked, breathing deeply. "Just … please … stay out of harm's way," he almost pleaded before he ended the call.

###

_By the time the Derek arrived at the hospital, the evacuation of certain patients was well underway. He glanced at his PDA one more time before pulling some money from his wallet. The men got out and met one another at the trunk._

"Everyone else is going out … and you're going in," the cab driver half-joked, his weathered eyes searching Derek's before he looked back at the Emergency Room entrance.

"I'm a surgeon," Derek replied with a small smile. He lifted his bags from the trunk. "My friend's husband is injured," he said, looking toward the hospital. "And my mentor and _… my everything, the woman I love … _she's in there too … so there's really no other place for me to be," he continued candidly.

"Well, I suppose you're right then," the driver agreed, also looking toward the hospital.

Derek smiled again. "Thanks for taking that shortcut, I appreciate it," he said as he handed him the money for the fare and handsome tip.

"Anyway I could help," the driver replied. "Be careful in there," he said as they hoisted the bags from the trunk.

Derek chuckled as he set the bags on his shoulders. "As careful as I can be," he mused, pressing his lips into a thin line before he nodded in assent to the driver and turned toward the hospital where he surely became lost in a sea of activity before him.

_He hurried along then, moving through the quarantined area, a queue of ambulances, engines running … ready if need be. He inhaled sharply, engine exhaust filling his lungs briefly before he exhaled and swiftly continued on, heading straight for what appeared to be the bomb squad security check point. Approaching, he scrutinized the steady flow of patients being moved out as men and women in flak jackets detailed the perimeter. He smiled only when he saw Richard Webber emerge from the building, perhaps to look out for him or take a breath of fresh air. His old mentor made eye contact with him and pointed toward a small huddle of men dressed in black. Derek nodded and met Richard there._

"Mr. Young," Richard boomed as he approached the small group. Derek stepped closer. "This is Dr. Shepherd … the surgeon I've been expecting," he introduced the men.

Derek smiled tightly. "Richard," he breathed, holding his hand out for the bomb expert who was a man about his age. "I would say it's a pleasure … but …," he muttered, shrugging his shoulders as they shook hands.

"You don't know how often I get that," Young conspired, a wry grin set along his face as he rolled up a set of hospital blueprints. His serious eyes darkened as the men looked at one another for a beat before they moved again, this time passing through the sliding doors.

The trio continued, walking through the familiar chaos of the pit – _Derek's eyes sweeping the space for Meredith _– he didn't see her, but was instantly focused on the task at hand, his game-face on, his keen surgical mind already on high-alert by the time they moved into a small conference room near the Nurse's Station. Once inside, he dropped his bags and turned to look on as Young spread the blueprints upon the table.

"So, here's the deal," he looked up to Derek. "We've got an explosive device in an O.R. patient upstairs, right here," he pointed to the print. "We're going up now to retrieve that explosive and then let it detonate in one of our safe boxes," he reported calmly, his eyes narrow and serious as he spoke. "And as I understand it … you have a patient you need to get into an O.R.," he exhaled.

"I do … and time is –"

"I get the essence of time and how important it is," the bomb expert said chagrined. "But let me also say this – _you're gonna have to do whatever it is you're here to do … down here _– you understand?" he queried. "There is no going upstairs … that area needs to be clear … absolutely no more people up there than the team you've got up there already," he ordered strictly.

"We understand, Mr. Young," Richard stated evenly as Derek nodded in assent, their minds working in tandem now, each assessing the precarious situation.

"I'm going up, here's a close-circuit radio, use it if you need to …do not use the P.A. system," Young cautioned as he handed the small personal radio to Richard. "You just click this button right here to get to me," he continued. "I'll radio you when we're past the point of no return … and then again after the situation's been diffused," he explained. He pressed his lips together into a thin line and exhaled sharply as a team of his men met him at the doorway. "Good luck," he said then.

"And to you as well," Derek replied … and then just like that, he was gone, out the door … to diffuse a bomb, just like he would head off and into surgery.

Richard and Derek looked at one another for a beat and then headed out of the room, crossing the bustling pit. "I've got Bailey's husband in a triage room down here," he pointed down the hallway. "Yang's with him – _Dr. Stevens is running interference with Dr. Bailey, who's upstairs in labor and delivery_ – and Drs. Karev and O'Malley are with her," he shook his head. "Damn interns, they wouldn't leave the building without …," his voice trailed off as they continued to walk.

"Meredith?" Derek asked pointedly then.

Richard cleared his throat. "Yes, she's upstairs," he finally admitted. Derek caught his breath. "She was on Burke's service when the patient came in and of course they headed up immediately, didn't know about the explosive until it was almost too late …," he exhaled as they came to stand outside the triage room. Derek's heart sank, his eyes peering into the room through the blinds.

"But what's holding the device steady?" Derek asked curiously, he tilted his head.

"An E.M.T., a young girl, her first day on the job – _stuck her hand in there to stop a bleed_ – didn't know it was resting on the device," Richard said solemnly, shaking his head.

Derek exhaled. "Wow … is that luck or … something else …," Derek wondered, his voice trailing off with uncertainty_._

"She'll be fine," Richard insisted at once, pulling Derek from his thoughts. "This guy, Dylan Young – _he's the best they have_ – and Burke … well, he's the best heart guy we have and he's got a handle on the situation and you … _you_ … have to handle this down here or Mr. Jones is going over to Mercy West," he said, pointing towards the triage room. "And if you think Dr. Bailey's in a foul mood now, I'd hate to be the one to tell her you had to send her husband across town … especially when you're back … and you're the best we have …," he muttered weakly.

"Yeah," Derek snorted, exhaling under pressure as his heart squeezed with fear and anxiety with one thought on his mind: _Meredith … and how close, yet far away from one another they were._

**In My Life – Part 6 to follow.**


	6. Part 6, 'I'm scared,'

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: I'm so happy you gals are baring with me on this one, of course by now you know I like to take those factual happenings on the show and tweak them ... AU stories are wonderful, but alas, once you get into one, sometimes I feel like it would have been better just to try to publish a story, like "True Colors" for example ... it took so long to write and a great amount of that, aside from certain back story facts from the show ... was mine. Anyway, this has been great fun to write and tweak ... I do hope you continue to enjoy and let me know what you think!**

**In My Life – Part 6 – 'I'm scared,'**

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_Less than ten minutes later, Derek had donned his surgical garb and began scrubbing in, the rush and trickle of the water somehow lulling him for a beat as he frenetically worked at his hands. Quickly, he made a sidelong glance and trained his eyes on Cristina Yang, assessing her disposition, as she stood at the sink on his right. He sighed and the pair worked in silence for a long, hard minute. His thoughts centered around Dr. Bailey, in labor just two floors up while her husband was disabled in the room next door. He exhaled, mentally going over the scans for Tucker Jones, the initial prognosis still upheld; he needed emergent surgery. _

Cristina inhaled sharply and Derek was pulled from his thoughts. They hadn't really spoken yet, other than for her to update him on Tucker's condition, but he could tell she was growing more restless as time moved on. He cleared his throat and released the foot compressor to stop the water flow at the spout. He held his raw, hot hands up, palms facing his chest and watched her continue to scrub until she suddenly released her foot and turned to face him. She blinked and then stared at him expectantly.

"She's been … better lately, since you've been talking about things," she offered, her dark eyes narrowing before they suddenly softened.

Derek pressed his lips together. "I'm glad," he replied softly, his steady eyes never moving from the intrinsic critique of hers.

_Forever in a stalemate, the two adversaries stood still then, though, despite her silence, Derek could tell she had more on her mind. Hesitating, she scoffed and began to shake her head as if heeding the call of some kind of internal struggle. She exhaled, huffing in silent protest before she finally spoke. _

"Can we … for one minute just pretend you're not going to be my boss again … and say you're the guy who devastated my best friend," she said in a harsh whisper. Derek didn't answer. "Are you back to stay?" she asked earnestly.

"I am …," he vowed. "I'm not going anywhere," he confirmed without hesitation, not daring to move his eyes away from hers as he could now as he could plainly see her granite façade was crumbling _– for she was under incredible duress _– with Burke upstairs … along with the only other person she seemed to care about.

She exhaled sharply and resumed rinsing her hands. "They're both upstairs," she whispered after another few seconds, her voice uncharacteristically hollow as she looked at him.

"Yeah … they are," he exhaled, his keen eyes still fastened to hers. "Let's … do this … okay?" he asked of her then. "We can do this," he encouraged softly as she finished with her hands.

"Yeah … let's," she agreed as she turned toward the door.

_She stepped into the makeshift O.R. first and Derek followed suit. Nurse Tyler was there and waiting for them, he slipped a pair of surgical gloves onto her hands and tied her blue robes and surgical mask at the base of her skull. He assisted Derek next. _

"Welcome back, sir," he smiled under his own scrub cap.

"Thank you, it's … good to be back," Derek replied genuinely. "And thank you both for staying," he continued, nodding in assent to the nurse and anesthesiologist who murmured in reply from beneath their masks.

Richard entered the room, a scrub cap over his face. All heads popped up. "I know … I know this is all so unorthodox, but … I'll be right outside or have Yang come for me if … anything happens," he requested with authority.

Derek continued to complete the last of his pre-operative tests on Tucker as he replied. "Listen, one last thing … I don't want Bailey knowing about this…," he started to say. He checked Tucker's intracranial pressure and then looked up. "She's got a job to do too, so … she needs to press on – _to push when it's time … without this on her head, she needs to focus _– so just don't let her know her husband is here … with me, like this," he requested cautiously.

"The exact instructions I've given the obstetrician along with Karev, O'Malley and Stevens," Richard replied in agreement. "Anything else?" he prompted.

"Yeah, I … _we_ …," he emphasized, looking briefly toward Cristina. "We want frequent updates on the situation upstairs," he continued. "We to need to focus too, and knowing how they're doing up there will help with that," he urged quietly.

"I'll send Dr. Stevens in with updates on both situations, she'll continue to run interference Dr. Bailey as well," Richard assured with a nod.

He left the room then and without another moment passing, Derek got to work on Tucker Jones, his mind centered and focused again.

###

_To say the pressure was immense was an understatement. Even under the pretense that Tucker's surgery was not complex, so many unique circumstances faced them, that one glitch could end it all. And he wasn't making reference to the situation upstairs, rather it was the fallout from said situation that ultimately concerned him. It was the timing of everything that was so crappy – Bailey's impending delivery, Tucker's incredibly bad luck, the precarious nature of the foreign device upstairs – it felt like the forces of nature were in some kind of silent battle to become balanced and he wondered for a split-second … where he and Meredith fit into all of that chaos. He exhaled sharply and let the thought go._

"What's taking her so long?" Yang hissed into the silence after another long minute; her hand firmly on a clamp.

Derek narrowed his concentration and gave Tucker's temporal lobe one last check; he was ready to close him up. "She'll be back … any minute now," he offered, silently calculating how long it had been since Dr. Stevens' last update on Dr. Bailey and Meredith and Burke. "Do you see this?" he prompted to Cristina, never missing the chance to instruct the interns.

"The brain is amazing," she answered, her keen eyes studying the organ. And then she smiled. "Not as amazing as the heart though," she quipped, wherein a chorus of low chuckles filled the space.

Dr. Stevens entered the room just then and all eyes turned toward her. She held a mask over her mouth and looked at them doe-eyed, her blue orbs almost shaking. Derek glanced up from his work. "Do you have an update Dr. Stevens?" he queried, looking back down to his sutures.

"No," she blurted out. "Not yet, no baby … um …," her voice trailed off.

"How's the girl with the bomb?" he asked of her then, almost scared to hear her answer.

"The girl … the girl with the bomb is Meredith!" she said with haste. Derek and Cristina balked, fear bristling up their spines surely now as everything came to a halt. "The E.M.T. got spooked, apparently Meredith slipped her hand into the patient's cavity –"

"Dr. Stevens," Derek interrupted, his heart twisting. He swallowed hard. "We need Dr. Webber in here now," he instructed in a low growl he'd never heard come from his mouth before … his focus vanished for an instant … _Meredith_.

"Yes, sir," she answered and with that she disappeared.

"What does that mean?" Cristina wondered as she watched Derek work. "What do you think that means, that Meredith is holding that bomb?" she persisted urgently.

"I have no idea, but I know it's not good," Derek answered candidly, briefly meeting the horror in her eyes before he turned back to his work. "Hold that steady," he instructed with encouragement. "We're almost there, Dr. Yang …almost …," he breathed, his eyes flicking up to hers as he focused with intensity, flawlessly executing the balance of his repairs as Tucker's statistics became more stabilized with each passing second.

"Everything all right in here?" the Chief asked earnestly as he stepped into the room, his eyes wild with apparent fear over a complication concerning Mr. Jones.

"Yes, he'll make a full recovery," Derek deemed certainly before he stopped working and met Webber's wide eyes. "Have we passed the point of no return yet?" he asked directly.

"No," Richard answered quickly, still holding his gaze steady. "I know, I know … it's Meredith," he qualified.

"I need you to use that radio Young gave us," Derek replied quickly.

"Oh I don't know," Richard back peddled. "I think we need to let them focus, they're outfitting Meredith with a protective –"

"No!" Derek challenged. "Young said we could contact him as long as it was before the point of no return," Derek reminded him, he darted his eyes to Tucker's stats and then focused again on Richard. "Has he been in touch with you yet?" he asked emphatically.

Richard cleared his throat. "No, but –"

"But … like you said, it's Meredith," Derek insisted, his voice softening as he said her name. "Radio him … please," he pleaded. He sighed. "I'll need it on the speaker setting so I can finish this – _but let me tell you what Meredith needs to finish her end of the deal up there_ – I need to tell her I'm here … she needs to _know_ I'm here for her," he whispered harshly before looking up and into Richard's eyes. He exhaled sharply. "She has her hand on a bomb, Richard … what if it was Adele?" he questioned pointedly. Richard swallowed hard. "That's right … so either someone else is going to close for me here or someone is going up there … but I think you'll agree, that radio is our best bet," he urged quietly.

_Everything was silent for a beat, save for Tucker's monitors. The seconds on the clock continued to click by and Derek began to work again and without another word, the Chief toggled the close-circuit radio and was connected to Dylan Young upstairs. _

"_Dr. Webber,"_ came Young's warbled voice. _"We're down to the wire here, sir,"_ he reported, his voice forced.

Richard held the phone up to his surgical mask. "I know," he insisted. "I have you on the speaker setting – _Dr. Shepherd needs to speak with Dr. Grey, directly _– she's … they've … been through a lot together lately and –"

"Young!" Derek interrupted, his eyes darting up to Richard's. "Put me on the speaker … we won't lose any time. I'll continue with my sutures while you continue to outfit Dr. Grey," he ordered quickly.

There was brief moment of relative silence and then he heard her … the call of his angel. _"Derek … oh … I'm … what did I do? Derek …,"_ she rasped out.

"I'm here," he replied calmly, unable to stop a smile from forming on his face. "I'm back," he reassured, skillfully making his last suture.

"_I'm scared,"_ she intimated with a shaky voice, wherein her tone revealed just how frightened she really was. He heard her sniffle and he set his instruments down.

"I know … me too …," he whispered with his same soft smile, his eyes moving over Tucker's monitors. "But … you can do this," he continued in a tone he somehow saved just for her. "It'll be over in a second ...," he encouraged. "You can do this, Meredith," he assured softly, steadily.

"_Okay,"_ she answered cautiously, the echo moving through the silence on her end of the connection.

"Okay," he repeated. "See you soon," he promised, his voice catching as he did.

_Derek blinked and glanced at Cristina. Richard nodded as they all listened to the last of the warbled sounds from inside the O.R. upstairs … and as the line disconnected, Derek could have sworn he heard some kind of muffled implosion … not explosion, but something else entirely! His heart plummeted with the fear of the unknown and faltered even more when he watched Cristina step away from the table as his knees went weak for a single beat in time._

"What was that?" Cristina demanded, her voice panic-stricken. "Did you hear that? What was that?" she persisted, her eyes wide with distress as she stared at Derek.

_But try as he might, he could find no solid answer, for he knew they were all in dire straights – and no, didn't know what that was – all he knew was that it could have been the end of the world as he knew it._

_And so with heavy hearts, the surgeons methodically cleaned up the makeshift O.R. and quickly transferred Tucker Jones to an I.C.U. recovery room located near the labor and delivery rooms of the Obstetrics wing where Dr. Bailey was still pushing away. _

**In My Life – Part 7 to follow.**


	7. Part 7, 'You're really here,'

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks for the notes! Again, this has been a really fun story for me to write, I love that you also seem to love those throwback stories that take us back to the beginning of Grey's. **Many thanks to 'tardbug' and 'Lourdi' for your anonymous reviews.** I'm nearing the end of writing Part 9 now and then will be swiftly moving on to the Epilogue, so yay!  
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**In My Life – Part 7 – 'You're really here,'**

'_The bomb had been detonated', this was the single most coherent thought running through Derek's mind as he paced in the main lobby waiting room alongside Cristina Yang with a very tired Alex Karev, Izzie Stevens and George O'Malley looking on. There was no longer a bomb. No imminent threat foreboding their reunion. No other karmic obstacle … no divorce or secrets or fallacies. Nothing but the ticking of the clock … minutes that felt like hours._

_Reflexive tears tugged at the corners of his weary eyes, he looked down, skillfully avoiding any and all eye contact. He inhaled and steadied himself, forcing his heart rate to slow down. Breathing, he focused, trying to control his tremulous nerves, hoping he could circumvent yet another surge of nausea. He counted the seconds, breathing in for five and then out again._

'_The bomb had been detonated', he chanted in a mantra as he walked the length of the waiting room again, his translucent silhouette moving within the large windows in front of him. He stood up straight, minding his posture as he loosened the knots of tension that had petrified his muscles and nerves since his arrival. _

_He shrugged weakly, his keen eyes still fixed on his reflection – all he wanted to do was hold her, to touch her – to somehow validate their reunion … to know unequivocally that they were destined to … meet again … and fall in love … again. That was all he wanted! All he ever wanted. _

_Bile rose again. He knew she was safe – he heard it for himself when Young called to inform them that the bomb had detonated in a safe box – yes, he heard him and intellectualized that Meredith was safe and out of immediate danger … he __heard__ him, this much was true, but that didn't mean he believed him! And from the look upon Cristina's face, it seemed that she too, was in denial._

_He looked back to her and watched her dark, worried eyes scan his face. He pressed his lips together and sat down in defeat, leaving the chair on the end for her. He shrugged toward it, but she simply turned on her heel and continued along her circuit._

"Cristina," Izzie implored into the silence. "Why don't you sit down?" she asked of her.

"I can't," Cristina insisted. "I can't … just sit and wait, I'm not built that way," she explained, her sharp tone somewhat softened by the situation.

"She's a _'doer' _remember_ …_," George muttered weakly, his tired eyes moving over the scene.

"She is," Izzie agreed, her eyes following the edgy genius as she moved about the lobby.

Derek sighed and leaned back, shaking his head. "I can't …," he paused, glancing quickly at Dr. Stevens before he looked down at his hands. "I can't ... remember our last kiss," he continued weakly, his mind suddenly in some far off place. "All I could think about was she might die today and I can't remember our last kiss," he whispered, unable to conceal his vulnerability any longer. "I mean … I _want_ to be able to remember that –_the last time we were __really__ together and happy_ – and I can't say I can remember, without her … I need her …," he confessed quietly.

"Hmm … and now you can ask her, she can tell you … and you'll always remember .. she's all right Dr. Shepherd," Izzie encouraged softly.

Cristina stopped in front of Derek and without hesitation she sat down. She cleared her throat and turned to look at him. "Burke told me he loved me," she declared, her voice barely above a whisper. "But he thought I was asleep … so I didn't say it back – _even though I could love him_ – I might …actually love him …," she rambled, finally letting her guard down, her confession hanging in the air.

Derek stared at her and smiled tightly. "You say you might love him … but today, the way you were, the way you worried … it was an act of love, Cristina," he assured, watching her dark eyes become glassy akin to a still lake a night – _she blinked with haste and looked away and tilted her head _– perhaps finding her reflection in the windows.

_All was comfortably silent again for a few long moments. Izzie shifted in her seat and stood, her eyes scanning the room before she turned back toward the players._

"Do you think … everything will be all right?" she wondered aloud. "Do you think we'll ever be the same?" she asked then, her hopeful optimism obviously shaken.

"Collectively or individually?" Alex pondered, rubbing his tired eyes before he looked up to her; their eyes suddenly engaged intensely.

"Both," she replied thoughtfully, unable to look away from him.

Alex chuckled weakly. "I've been through worse," he surmised, skillfully getting personal without giving anything personal away. "We all have, I think," he added quickly – _his eyes moving from peer to peer_ – and finally to Shepherd where he regarded him for a beat before the silence swallowed them, _collectively_, again.

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'_Derek', Meredith suspired his name in a whisper only she heard, for it was true, she had begun to chant his name akin to a manta by now. 'Derek'… she sighed inside, because somehow when things started to unravel all around them this morning, it was true, he had become her only hope … her cause to persevere, to focus … to survive. And much to her surprise, she realized her reliance on him wasn't some wild act of desperation; rather it was an act of trust or even love. _

_For to her dismay, she finally put all of her faith in his emotional and physical availability – and she did it willfully and blindly – and never in her life had she clung to someone that way. And there inside her weakness, she found her strength … she found her commitment to their thing together. And that had to count for something. For from that moment on, her sole purpose was to see him again … to lean into his tireless pull on her and trust it … as if it was her will, her way._

_Her hands were shaking even now as she scrubbed out – yes, even now her heart trembled still as she replayed the events of the last several hours over in her head – especially the time that had passed since she heard his faint voice call to her from the other side. Was it a dream, she still wondered even though she knew it was not … she knew with full confidence that he was back just like he planned. He was back and he was waiting for her. _

_The hot water rolled over her hands, the suds and debris moving down the drain with it, Burke to her left, Dylan in front of her, casing the O.R. one last time before he caught her watching him. He nodded and pressed his lips together into a thin line … a line so firm and strong, she knew it was part of his character. She smiled weakly and nodded in return; finally able to look him in the eyes and really see him for the resilient man he was … not simply the doppelgänger who had wielded his control over their collective survival._

_She blinked and broke his spell, he went back to work and she looked down at her red, hot hands and released the foot compressor. The water stopped and she pulled several paper towels from the dispenser. Exhaling, she turned and watched two of Young's men carefully inspect the area at the end of the hallway, the safe box already removed from the building. She shuddered, shaking off the last of her residual fears. It was over._

'_Derek', she chanted again, blinking back another set of threatening tears, her mind once again mulling over those slow-moving minutes she'd lived through as she held that clamp in her shaky hand and watched Dylan exit the O.R. and leave them behind, kind of like he was never there at all. Stifling a sob, she once again recalled her exhale as they heard the bomb detonate inside the safe box just outside the room, recalling also the noise it made. For it was a muffled, yet, strangled blast … the sound of organic fury – both enraged and wild – though by some miracle, it was caught and quieted … shut up. And it was by far, the strangest paradox she'd ever encountered._

_Blinking again, Meredith withdrew herself from her spiraling thoughts and turned around to face Dr. Burke, her mind instantly landing on Cristina. The surgeon finished scrubbing out and smiled tightly at her, drying his hands as he tilted his head and regarded her, his dark, serious eyes softening around the edges as he did. _

"Mr. Young was right, you know, you did a great thing in there today," he praised, his voice silky smooth.

"So did you," she admired, leaning against the sink ledge.

Dylan stepped out from the O.R. then and nodded curtly, his eyes moving from Meredith to Burke and back again. Meredith's cheeks heated and an unruly chuckle escaped from her mouth.

"Yes, Dr. Grey?" Burke prompted, leaning back against the sink, his feet crossed in front of him.

"I don't know," she replied softly, glancing up at Dylan Young. "I know we did what we had to do … but …," her voice trailed off with uncertainty and she suddenly felt hopeless again.

"Look," Dylan muttered. "I know you spent most of the day wishing you never met me … but yeah, when it comes down to it – _you did what you had to do_ – you were brave and now you get to walk away …," he sighed. "You get to live again and feel redeemed with another chance …," he counseled, his dark eyes never leaving hers.

"Just walk away?" she wondered, pushing herself away from the ledge of the sink. She shook her head. "Just … pretend like we didn't just almost die in there? That this didn't change us somehow?" she asked of them, her head spinning. "Just go on and live with our intimacy issues – _I had intimacy issues_ – do you know how stupid that sounds right now?" she stipulated, a small set of tears pooling in her eyes as she thought about trust and trusting Derek … and love … and loving him too.

Dr. Burke shook his head and opened his mouth but nothing came out. He sighed. "We take from it what we need to, Dr. Grey," he said at last. "We take the second chance and we revere it, and maybe we do things differently – _with more conviction_ – maybe we say what we want and let those we care about … _hear_ us …," he articulated carefully.

_The trio remained standing in an alert formation for another moment before they began to move, walking shoulder to shoulder down the deserted hallway en-route to the stairwell. Moving slowly, they descended in the semi-darkness – entire bodies radiating with stress and muscle strain – exhausted to the core, finally feeling the full impact of the duress under which they had been operating … an intense combination of extreme fear and adrenaline. _

_At about the midpoint of the last flight of steps, Meredith's heart rate accelerated and her eyes began to flood with tears. She sniffled and Dylan Young murmured something indiscernible to her, 'almost there' perhaps. She focused on the steps in front of her, knowing that when that door was opened and they walked through it, that the world as she knew it would be changed forever._

_And then it was._

_She saw Derek sitting with her 'family', their heads hung low, tired and beleaguered from the day's events – he was there, his chin pressed into the palm of his hand – his eyes closed as he sat next to Cristina where he looked like he belonged. Rushing forward, she felt her throat grow dry as she bypassed her comrades and glided as if drawn by some power hold that did not belong to her or to him … but to 'them', and it was a beautiful thing._

"I thought it was a dream when I heard your voice," she declared softly as she came to stand in front of him. Wherein the small group gasped and Cristina darted straight for Burke.

Derek stood immediately, his legs weak in the knees as stepped forward, his face twisting with insurmountable relief before he pulled her into his loving embrace. "Oh … oh, how I've waited for … you …," he husked, his hands cupping her heart-shaped face. He brushed his nose against hers as he stared at her in quiet awe.

"You're really here," she wept, hugging him as strongly as she could, losing herself in him just how she imagined she would. "I heard you, Derek …you're really here," she cried, clinging to him in the very same way he clung to her … as if his life depended upon it.

"I'm here … there's no place I would rather be …," he whispered. "You're safe … we're fine … everything is fine now …," he exhaled with relief as he held her. "God, you feel so good in my arms …," he rambled into the heat of her neck, her body warm and alive and familiar … made from everything he missed so much.

_And as Meredith felt herself sink into his hold upon her, listening to their quiet confessions as they found one another again, 'I missed you, I need you', she knew Dylan Young had been right … all she could do was walk away from her past and those dark moments of today and move and live in the here and now, with Derek. _

**In My Life – Part 8 to follow.**


	8. Part 8, 'I know what I want,'

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks again for the enthusiasm surrounding this story, I do so appreciate your time and thoughts. Thanks also to 'juni', 'kate' and 'mona' for your anonymous comments. Enjoy!**

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**In My Life – Part 8 – 'I know what I want,'**

Meredith sat on the couch in her living room with Derek settled next to her and Doc at her feet. She closed her eyes and shifted and really tried to believe in the fortitude of her blessings – _for she truly had a clean slate and all she could do was mull over what that meant_ – she sank into Derek's abundant heat, allowing another small piece of herself to really believe in their reunion.

Swept away with emotion, she turned her head slightly and pressed her lips into the crease of his neck and inhaled, fighting off another storm of threatening tears as she breathed him in and willed herself to believe he was back … for good. She felt her body shimmy under the pressure and instead forced herself to focus on those familiar sounds coming from the kitchen – _dishes clinking, the rushing water, hushed tones coming from Izzie and George_ – her _'family'_, Derek drew her near, the activity in the kitchen died down … and then, just for a moment, it was just the two of them.

The floorboards creaked and her friends sauntered into the; she opened her weary eyes to find them. "Good night guys," Izzie said with an endless smile, her blue eyes sparkling despite the soft, filtered light.

"Night," Meredith smiled as Derek murmured in an echo. She sighed, her eyes moving from Izzie to George wherein he smiled, his expression softening when their eyes met. "You delivered a baby today," she declared thoughtfully, her voice quivering. "You amaze me," she complimented.

"I could the same to you …," he whispered, holding her gaze for a long moment. He smiled broadly. "Night," he nodded in assent.

"Night O'Malley," Derek replied with a genuine smile. "See you around," he said as the weary interns turned and shuffled into the foyer and then upstairs, their quiet whispers following them as they did.

_Derek let his head fall back against the sofa briefly then, his tired eyes focusing on the ceiling above them before he secured his cradle hold around Meredith wherein his lips found her temple and pulsed a lingering kiss there, breathing her in – antibacterial soap and the enduring essence of some kind of flower – rich and familiar and completely, 'Meredith'. _

_Kissing her again, his heart reflexively swelled with relief, his eyes moving slowly around the room as he surveyed the once-barren space where they started their thing – and then he smiled weakly – seeing now that the place had really become her home and for that he felt another kind of relief, having learned over the course of the last few weeks, the secrets Meredith had fostered about her mother until very recently. He pressed another kiss to her temple and silently thanked God again for His all mighty outcome today … she was safe and warm and in his arms … she was all right, they would be all right._

"Izzie …," he whispered after another long moment. He sighed and paused. "When we were waiting for you and Burke … she asked if everything would eventually be all right again," he said quietly as Meredith stirred in his arms and craned her neck back to find him. She smiled and he lost himself for moment as he really looked at her, her flushed cheeks and beautiful curves accentuated by her maroon sweater. Leaning down, he couldn't help but kiss her just as he always had, soft and quick. "Hmm … I thought we would …," he muttered against her mouth; he pulled away slightly. "All of us – _I thought we'd make out fine _– but I want to know what you think," he prompted, still quite awestruck by the flecks intensity housed within her emerald eyes.

Turning into his embrace, Meredith draped her forearm along the edge of the sofa and jackknifed her knee over Derek's thighs; all the while she never took her eyes off of his. She smiled weakly and shook her head, moving to take his face in her hands as she continued to stare at him.

"I think …," she said steadily. "We have no choice but to end up living our lives … changing if need be … but living all the same," she continued softly. "We're starting over, Derek … from scratch, remember?" she breathed, her voice hitching as she blinked her watery eyes with haste, bringing her man into focus again.

_Derek looked up and revered Meredith for a long, silent moment – speechless, his heart beat erratically as he stared at her faceted eyes – the tension from the day still resonating … humming between them as he savored this moment, this one moment alone, the one he'd longed for, but could have been denied. Reaching for her, he drew strength from her and skillfully collected himself, blinking back those tiny tears threatening to pop. He pressed his lips together and exhaled, his heart banging around as he did. _

"You could have died today …," he whispered hoarsely, his heart still shaken by the prospect, his weary eyes fastened to hers. His waiting tears fell. "I'm glad you didn't die today," he rambled soberly into their space, nothing but hot tufts of air puffing between them. He pulled her even closer.

"Oh … me too," Meredith breathed, caressing his tears away.

_Derek shook his head in silent protest. His heart shimmied low and deep, pinching and squeezing him – a residual instinct now – the very way his body reacted as the pressure mounted during the day. There it was again, a tug … a pull of longing … a pinch, akin to the memories of his father – an ache so deep and intrinsic – for it was part of his natural rhythm, the very essence of what made him tick. _

Grounding himself, he shook his head and tried to articulate again. "I … all day, I was aching … and I don't even know where from or when it started …," he murmured, inching closer, he focused on the tiny brilliant flecks in her eyes, his mind wild.

Meredith collected herself, her hands still flanking his skull as she held him right where she wanted him. "We were so close, yet so far … it hurt," she agreed softly.

Derek nodded in assent. "Hmm … it was something more than … dread … an ache so deep, God, I don't know …," he rasped out, his wet, reflective eyes scanning hers.

Meredith drew him near, almost perching herself upon his lap now, his heat was immense and welcoming … and she wanted it, craved it. She brushed her nose against his. "All I could think about was seeing you – _how you were just downstairs_ – and how I couldn't get to you …," she breathed as she pressed a chaste kiss to his open mouth, warmth spreading through her body as she did. "Hour after hour … I wondered if ... we would be spared …," she muttered against his lips wherein she finally let her inhibitions go, kissing him again with everything she ever had inside of her.

_Her lips were familiar, that was his single most coherent thought as Derek made love to her mouth just as he had longed to for all the months of their separation – she offered a small piece of herself to him then, kissing him back – her sensuous tongue massaging and exploring his. He hummed into their heat, his heart quaking with unearthed need as he took all of his signals from her … matching his kisses with her tempo and intensity and it was there, inside this first moment of intimacy, that Derek truly believed they started anew. For in his mind, they had achieved once again, that echelon of connectivity that belonged solely to them. And it was under this veil of energy of theirs, that they found their rhythm – the undercurrent of entity they were destined to become – for this kiss of theirs was solidifying in mind, body and spirit. _

Meredith's heart was on fire, a surge of emotions claiming her now as she reluctantly disengaged from Derek's kisses and stared at him for a long beat in time, her heavy eyes washing over his as they fought to catch their breath in tandem. She blinked and listened to her wandering mind. _She loved him. Needed him. Wanted him. _Her body trembled on those truths. She blinked her tears away, but could not avert her eyes from his. She exhaled and waited – _waited for him to say something, __anything_ – but he didn't.

Instead, he looked at her very similar to the way in which she looked at him: _with a fresh pair of eyes … gateways full of clarity._ And so it was no wonder she found herself smiling at him and leaning into him as he reached for her and tucked a loose tendril of her hair behind her ear _– his hot breath fanning her face as he continued to stare back at her_ – the handsome details of his features softening now as the intimate moment became long and quiet and reflective … and completely theirs.

_Derek blinked and broke their lingering spell, shifting, he pulled her closer, instinctively cradling her into his warm embrace as his head fell back against the sofa cushion – his eyes closed now – his mind still on overdrive. Breathing in, he smoothed his palm up and down her gorgeous spine – his need to touch and feel her, a mere reflex now … a right of survival born from the resilient pull of something else entirely. A newfound need he had yet to define, though he was certain it meant that he would never be able to live without her. His heartbeat sped up; he caressed her back and held her close as she acquiesced to the stresses of the day and finally grew heavier in his arms. _

Meredith shifted inside the envelope of his embrace, her cheeks pressed against the soft cashmere of his V-neck sweater – _her hand pressed over his heart_ – she felt his muscle work under her palm and as she did, she closed her eyes and felt herself relax against him. Savoring the quiet moment, she breathed him in, filling her lungs with his strong, familiar essence. Slowly, her heart simmered down and she opened her eyes and noted the time on the clock on the mantel. Her heart began to race and then she felt a moment of panic strike her.

"Derek …," her whisper cracked into the comfortable quiet.

"Hmm," he hummed into their cozy heat. She craned her neck back to find him, pressing a lingering kiss to the underside of his neck. He opened his eyes and found hers, and much to his surprise, he was met with a stormy sea of green. His heart raced. "You okay?" he asked of her, slightly alarmed, she shook her head, _'no'_.

She exhaled and sat up. "I … it's getting late," she declared softly, gently, searching for her words. Her heart pounded.

Derek glanced at his watch. "It is …," he agreed solemnly as that persistent ache returned, for he would have to leave soon. "As funny as it sounds …," he sighed with a small smile. "I'm glad we're both off tomorrow," he said softly, tilting his head, though his heart sank a little bit at the thought of leaving. Smiling still, he sighed with an air of contentment, for he didn't want to burden her, rather he wanted to instill her confidence. "I want … to spend tomorrow with you …," he declared softly.

Meredith immediately felt her throat constrict and she stood up abruptly … she wasn't ready for him to leave. She shook her head as she looked down and into his endless blue eyes – _'not just tomorrow'_ – she wanted to say, but was suddenly overwrought with emotion as unexpected tears popped from her eyes where they swiftly traveled down her face … she was speechless. Her eyes grew wide and Derek stood up and came to stand in front of her.

"Whatever it is … you can tell me," he implored softly, though his heart was shaking.

Meredith exhaled and tried to regulate her breathing, but instead her heart began to stammer in time with her quiet cries. Derek inched closer again and wiped his thumbs along her wet cheeks, but her eyes did not dry and she remained speechless, quite unable to articulate exactly what she needed – _for they had talked at great length about 'taking it slow', it had been her one absolute – _she had been firm: _she didn't want to rush things this time. _

But now, after today, having been blessed with another chance to really live their lives … she didn't want _'slow'_ – _she just wanted him_ – for always and forever. Because she loved him, despite his mistakes and his imperfections – _she truly loved him_ – and that was one thing that hadn't changed after everything they had gone through … it was her one constant … her other absolute. _'No, no'_, she shook her head in silent protest again – _she didn't want 'slow'_ – she just wanted to trust herself … to trust him … and to do this right, this time around.

"Talk to me …," Derek husked, his heart pinching in her special place. "Meredith … please …," he pleaded her name, taking her hands in his where he attempted to ground her.

Meredith's lips trembled and she slowly collected herself, finding solace in the calm seas of his bright blue eyes – _this place of quiet solitude where she could so easily see how he really felt about her_ – for he loved her too, she knew this now. She sniffled and a small smile broke out along her face. Derek's stance relaxed, but he didn't say anything more … he simply waited to hear from her.

"I know we haven't talked about tonight, I mean the other day, when we made our plans … about meeting the trailer …but beyond that …," she sighed, her heart thumping as her mind went wild. "I … didn't think I would feel like this … I mean, what I mean is – _I know what I want_ – and I would have known even if today hadn't happened the way it did … but … I think … now I just know, I don't need more time to think or to wonder …," she exhaled as her ramble died down, her heart palpitating with her amplified inner monologue. She smiled and shook her head, more tears popping from her eyes.

Derek's pulse quickened and he could do no more than wipe her fallen tears away, down and away he wiped them, his lips finding her temple as she trembled slightly in his arms. "What do you want?" he asked of her calmly.

Meredith pulled back. "I know … we talked about taking it slow," she whispered, the heat between them radiating with comfort. Derek nodded in assent. "But … I don't want that anymore," she confessed, taking his hand in hers this time. She saw a flicker of uncertainty swell in his eyes, but her heart only trembled with something new: _excitement … faith … love. Her smile widened._

"You're … happy," Derek sighed, exhaling with a surge of relief as she took his breath away, for her captivating, happy eyes were all he could suddenly see.

Her smile didn't quit. "Yes," she giggled; Derek stepped forward. "I … I don't want to take it slow … I just want you," she boldly confessed, her eyes meeting his.

"Oh … I just want you too, you know that ...," he said softly. "There's only you, Meredith … for now, right now … for all time," he breathed, cradling her then, his nose pressed into the crease of her neck as he breathed her in and grounded himself deep inside this bubble of their energy he loved so very much.

"So, don't you see … I don't want to just see you tomorrow … or make plans like that … I just …," she exhaled, her voice cracking as she did. She pulled back and watched Derek's eyes soften and tear-up slightly. He set his palm on her cheek wherein she leaned into him. "I don't want you to leave tonight – _or ever again_ – I just want you … no games … no plans, Derek … okay …," she breathed, watching him disappear as her eyes filled with unshed tears while his did the same.

"Hmm … mmm, life's too short," he exhaled, his parents on his mind now as he drew his woman closer and held on for dear life.

"It is …," Meredith said, her lips pressed to his cheek before she pulled away and found his eyes. Taking his handsome face in her hands she kissed his lips and smiled against them. "I just don't want to wait … for … us … anymore," she exhaled, a great relief washing over her as she did. "Our timing is finally perfect … I can't believe you're really here to stay," she smiled, a giggle escaping from her mouth as she did.

"I really am …," Derek smiled. "In every way – _I'm here _– for you … and for myself … for us …," he murmured. "I'm free, Meredith … we're free …," he whispered, watching with bated breath as the magical twinkle returned to her eyes.

**In My Life – Part 9 to follow.**


	9. Part 9, 'I'm not saying I want to hide,'

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: Thanks for your enthusiasm surrounding this story, so glad you've enjoyed it. My sincere apologies in the delay of this last part, my girls have been sick ... total bummer. I'm looking to post the epilogue sometime later in the week. Thanks again for the reviews!**

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**In My Life – Part 9 – 'I'm not saying I want to hide,'**

_A little while later, Derek carefully padded his way down the hallway en-route to Meredith's room – the floorboards both cool and slippery against bare feet – his mind swirling around all the times he snuck down this hallway deep into the night or out in the morning before no one could see him. Doc rushed up from behind him with a tiny whine wherein Derek looked down at his old lover's new best friend and a smile crossed over his face. He set his hand on her doorknob and slipped inside the enclave, chuckling as Doc sauntered into the bedroom and settled himself on an over-sized dog pillow just under the windows where he promptly rested his head on his paws and looked at Derek expectantly. _

_Chuckling, Derek let his eyes adjust to the semi-dark space, the only light coming from the bathroom where the water was also running. His eyes further adjusted and swept the room wherein he couldn't help but smile, for the space felt warm and safe and was relatively unchanged since he'd last been inside. The water stopped running and he looked toward the doorway there waiting for Meredith to emerge. _

_Smiling at him as she slipped out of the bathroom, she crossed the room and flipped her bedside lamp on, illuminating the private space with the warm glow of golden hues. Derek tilted his head as she turned around to face him wherein he pushed the door closed with his backside and stayed in his same spot, dropping his shoulder bag to the floor. She smiled weakly and wrung her hands together as the silence between them suddenly screamed, although all Derek could focus on was how gorgeous she was. _

_Meredith sighed and broke their spell. She smiled softly and pushed her hair behind her ears before she crossed the room to her dresser where she opened the top drawer and began to root through it. Derek sensed her apprehension, and unable to accept it, he strode up behind her and set his hands upon the dresser in front of them, a tremulous pulse moving along her spine as he moved flush against her._

"It's all going to be okay," he promised into her warm skin, his lips descending upon the long column of her neck. "It's just us now …nothing stopping us … no secrets, just you and me … I promise," he murmured, his body warmed by hers.

Meredith caught her breath, _'no secrets'_, she chanted and she believed him. It was just them now and putting her faith in that, she leaned back and into Derek as if no time had passed, feeling her body fit into the groove of his just as perfectly as it from the very beginning … they were still long, lost puzzle pieces to one another.

"Just us," she chanted her old secret wish into the silence, a mantra that had somehow become her reality. "I missed you … _us_, in this room," she said candidly, her mind moving on to all of those sleepless nights she endured ... night after night, tears pricked her eyes.

"I missed you too …," Derek smiled. "I missed everything about being holed up in here with you," he confessed, breathing her in, calming himself, releasing the last amount of stress from the day.

Meredith felt her blood boil under his touch – _his sudden proximity_ – her skin suddenly pricking with untamed heat as he began to pepper her neck with tiny, barely-there kisses, his breathing stacked and hot against her heated flesh. Without thinking, she turned around in his arms where her dark green eyes met his … so dark and penetrating with all the lust she remembered he had for her. She exhaled and closed the tiny distance between them and kissed him then, her body melting into his as she did._ 'Yes'_, she chanted,there was nothing left for her to do but to take him – _to finally kiss him the way she really wanted to – _in that irrevocable way that validated her feelings, swallowing his moans of pleasure as she lost herself in him, gracefully surrendering to his power hold upon her.

_Derek felt his old lover acquiesce to him then, her body becoming pliant in his arms as he held her close and made love to her mouth – kissing her over and over again – fueling the wild surge of his feral, hormonal desires after his willful bout of abstinence, save for his recurring dreams of her. He felt her chest heave, breathing deeply into their kiss as her hands moved up and under his sweater and shirt, her nimble fingertips caressing his bare skin in all the right places. _

Meredith's head was spinning now as she reluctantly pulled away from his sinuous lips; her hands resolutely pinned to his narrow hips in an effort to ground herself. Panting, she stared at him for a beat, her hot breath ricocheting between them wherein all she could hear was her heart and how it pounded so recklessly for him.

Staring at him still, she willed herself to relax in that moment, breathing in and out, she focused on his handsome face and endless blue eyes until all she could see was him: _the first and only man she ever fell in love with._ And then, just like that, the room was silent and it really was just the two of them again – _two people who wanted and revered one another_ – once again alone in the semi-darkness of their enclave.

_Alone at last. A collective dream come true. _

She inhaled sharply and caught her breath. "Take a bath with me …," she whispered brazenly, her eyes suddenly heavy with bliss, her cheeks blushing under his intense scrutiny.

Derek felt his whole face soften before he kissed the tip of her nose and smiled at the prospect of bathing with her. "All right," he answered, kissing her cheek as he took her hand in his. "No funny stuff though," he sassed, playfully smirking at her.

Meredith's giggle filled the quiet room. "If that's how you want it," she dished back, her happy eyes bouncing as they met his before she opened the door and he followed her inside.

_The bathroom was warm and the air, thick with humidity, the bathtub was filled about halfway up with superfluous bubbles sitting motionless and heavy atop the water's surface. Derek closed the door behind them and Meredith turned the faucet back on before she moved to the sink, her eyes trained on her reflection as she tossed her hair into a bun on top of her head. Derek smiled as he watched her for a beat before he came to stand behind her and smiled at her through the foggy mirror … her eyes sparkling, her face flushed with passion … she was a vision born from his dreams. _

Meredith smiled at him and took one last look at their reflections before she turned around to face him _– his warm hands on her hipbones, his eyes deeply faceted, calm and familiar and still a little bit sad _– yes, it was true, everything she needed to know was still there, housed inside his expressive gateways.

He leaned into her and drew her near then, kissing her on the spot, his lips moving succinctly over hers, much like they typically did – _soft and quick, soft and quick … soft, soft _– she smiled against his open mouth, kissing him back … mimicking his tempo … his style … his passion as she set her hands upon his face briefly before moving them down to his belt buckle where she stopped and pulled away from his lips. Giggling quite breathlessly, she winked and worked at his belt, pulling at the button fly of his jeans as she stepped even closer. Setting her hands on his waistband briefly before she tugged slightly and pushed the heavy garment down until it fell at his feet. She smirked, sassing him playfully as her fingertips brushed against the slight tent of his boxers before she raised her hands above her head and egged him on.

"It's hot in here," Derek responded, eliciting a giggle from Meredith as his fingertips lazily grazed the soft skin of her abdomen. He kicked his feet free and tugged her sweater over her head before he pulled her toward him, kissing her gently now as his hands roamed her soft, sumptuous skin, her rosy pleasure points taut with arousal beneath the thin lace of her black bra. A guttural moan passed between them, _kiss, kiss … kiss_. "I can't say it enough," he husked into her mouth then, her tongue teasing his. "I've missed you …," he murmured, his hands moving to her jeans. "Dreamt of you …," he said thickly, his hands palming her toned tush while she wiggled free from her jeans _– moving flush against him wherein her chest heaved and their abdomens met, skin on skin_ – her hands on his hips, her eyes glittering against the fragmented light, her breathing stacked as she stared at him so intensely now that his heart almost gave out.

Meredith had no words, she decided then, standing there with this man she loved so much. She smiled weakly and wrapped her arm around his neck and craned her head back to stare at him still – _to revere him and to languish in her trust of him_ – because although he'd hurt her badly … she never felt as safe in her life, ever before, than when she was alone and uninhibited with him. And she knew now that nothing had changed – _she knew and remembered that she had always trusted him as lover_ – which for her had always been some kind of miracle or a gift.

Sighing heavily, she watched him watch her and instead of spoiling the moment with words and knowing her actions would speak volumes, she began to kiss him languidly, trusting that he understood her and that he would follow her lead. _Slow … nice and slow … and soft and quick. _And so with her heart and mouth open to him – _she kissed her lover once again_ – moving her hands down to the waistband of his boxers where she swiftly inched them down, her craving for skin on skin multiplying exponentially now as she felt the soft tip of his cock roll between them and brush along her abdomen, her core igniting as it did.

_Derek cupped his lover's tush and drew her near as he pressed his open mouth against her rapidly fluttering pulse point on her neck, catching his breath for a beat before he moved his mouth along her shoulder and slowly pushed her bra strap away, his dexterous fingers effortlessly unclasping her from the back. Sighing in tandem with her, he let the lacy undergarment slip through his fingers and fall to their feet as they held one another inside the moment of stillness until his cock twitched between them. Breathing together, the passionate haze of the room belonging solely to them now as they stood at a silent stalemate of sorts. Almost naked and eye to eye – their abdomens touching – his semi-flaccid rod responding to their energy, her pert nipples cutting across his chest as she leaned in and lazily kissed him with her open mouth, her hand gently cupping his sack where she held his virile manhood in the palm of her delicate hand. _

_His heart skipped a beat inside the dream of the moment, his lithe fingertips dancing along her angular ribs as he disengaged their kiss and moved his mouth along her shoulder again, this time tickling her briefly before he brushed his thumbs across her rosy buds, so hard and aroused, his mouth watered in anticipation of tasting her. Ducking his head now, he slowly moved his lips down to the swell of her breasts where he cupped them gingerly and volleyed his attention between her pleasure points … her erogenous flesh so soft, yet so provoked with her want for him, it nearly drove him over the edge. Pausing to savor the moment, he inhaled a deep breath of her female essence before he began to kiss her there over and over again – her stimulated flesh rolling against his tongue as his lover held him there, right where she wanted him – one hand along his responsive shaft, the other nestled in his hair … her stacked mewls of desire echoing for his ears only._

_Grounding himself with one hand on her hip now, he reluctantly released his oral hold upon her delicate, puckered skin and dropped to his knees, the apex of her thighs at eye level. Holding both of her hips, he looked up and found her eyes – her gateways shining with some kind of secret as she looked down to him – nodding in assent, she set her hand over his, her fingertips grazing the delicate trim of her panties. And then she blinked, revealing her secret as she did – telling him now without words that she was okay – that this, the torrent of what was happening between them, was all right. Smiling down at him, she leaned over and pressed the faucet off, the water almost breaching the edge of the tub as the room became quiet and Derek turned his attention back to her womanhood._

Meredith breathed, exhaling as Derek's hot breath breezed along her panty line, his thumbs hooked under the delicate fabric where he tugged gently. She closed her eyes and let herself go in that moment, just enough to set herself free – _because she trusted him_ – standing naked in her bathroom, alone at last where he pressed his nose into her dampening apex and inhaled sharply – _she let him in, dismantling her barriers to entry_ – for without an ounce of hesitation now, she wanted his mouth on her.

Her stomach quivered as his lips descended upon her skin – _tiny, wet kisses, flutters of sustained energy_ – he kissed her abdomen, then each hipbone, all the while, he pushed her saturated panties _down, down, down _to her feet until she was free. With her eyes still closed, her heart pounded and her body began to react to the dynamic surge of her radical, underutilized hormones. Her responsive gasp filled the quiet solitude of their space, _'Derek'_, she muttered thickly as she melted into him, his gentle open mouth pressed onto her pelvis – _his warm hands on her tush again as he drew her near and held her there _– her folds now glistening, pulsing within an unkempt swell of fervent bliss. _'Derek'_, she heard her warbled call from the edge of oblivion, completely unhinged now … so lost within all he did to her from one erotic kiss.

_Derek inhaled a generous helping of her sexual essence and pressed it down and into his lungs; he inhaled again and gently massaged her slick folds, his own senses arrested by the sweet scent of all that he did to her. His head swam, his mind wild as he pressed one open-mouthed kiss to her tiny, hooded clit … soft and quick, he kissed her there again. And then again. Her core shuddered, but he held her still – deep inside the moment of pure intimacy, his mouth still open, skin on skin – he hummed into her flesh, letting the vibration spiral into her core, holding her there … still and quiet … still and quiet until he felt her release. _

_Inhaling one last time, he pulled his mouth away from her wherein he cupped his hand over her heated mound and stood up before her. Breathing in tandem with her, he watched her, with chest heaving and her eyes closed in sated bliss before his lips descended upon hers again and he began to kiss her senseless, her abundant arousal coating his fingers as they gently flanked her folds without penetrating her opening – tenderly massaging her now burgeoning clit with the pad of his thumb – soft, wet, warm … and sexy as hell. _

_Her kisses became more intense and hungry as her body shuddered again inside his embrace wherein she moved her arms around his neck and relaxed against him while he watched the erogenous tremor move through her and by God, he never thought he'd seen her look so open and beautiful and trusting of him. And so with bated breath, he waited for the flow of her tiny orgasm to ebb … kissing her flushed cheeks and then each of her fluttering eyelids, before she opened her gorgeous eyes and found him there, right where she left him._

Meredith exhaled and stared at him and then without single word, Derek held her shaking hand and helped her into the tub – _tufts of swirling steam rising through the bubbles as he sat down_ – sinking into the hot water where she surprised him and situated herself between his legs, her head falling back and onto his chest as they sighed in together and finally relaxed.

###

Later, Derek slowly padded across Meredith's room, a pair of pajama bottoms slung low on his waist, an old t-shirt sticking to his warm skin as he pushed one hand through his damp locks and looked on at Doc, listening to Dr. Bailey on the line, his PDA to his ear, his lover in the bathroom brushing her teeth. Sighing at the domesticity of it all, he smiled as the faucet went quiet and Meredith emerged from the bathroom – _her cheeks still rosy from the warmth of their bath _– her eyes trained on him as she slipped into bed wearing nothing but a pair of cotton panties and a tank top. He sighed with contentment and leaned against the dresser where he regarded her, watching her apply skin cream to her neck and arms, her eyes sparkling against the soft light of her bedside lamp as she watched him in return.

"I'll stop in tomorrow … of course, I don't mind," he chuckled, pausing to listen. "I don't think you'll encounter anything emergent tonight … he's in the clear," he said confidently and then he smiled. "She's fine … perfect, actually … I'm ... ah … with her now …," he offered, smirking at Meredith's wide eyes as she looked at him quizzically. "Yes … we are …," he chuckled. "I'll tell her," he replied softly, "See you tomorrow … and … congratulations," he smiled as he ended the call.

"So …," Meredith prompted softly, tilting her head. "Who was that?" she wondered, her cheeks pink though she couldn't help but smile radiantly.

"Bailey," he reported, pushing himself off the dresser as he watched her closely. "She asked for you … she's proud of you, she said to make sure to tell you that," he said softly, his eyes smiling as he approached the bed and sat down next to her.

"Oh …," she whispered, pursing her lips together, her thoughts instantly swirling around the implications of their relationship … and the potential fallout. "How's her husband?" she prompted instead, her hand resting on his forearm.

"He's awake …," he announced with a proud grin. "He's seen his son, Meredith …," he breathed, leaning into her heat as his voice cracked with unexpected emotion, his eyes pricking with tears.

"Amazing," was all Meredith could say, her throat constricting as she watched her lover falter slightly, her mind landing on Dr. Bailey …a new mother. "You amaze me …," she whispered as she leaned in and pulled him closer, kissing his minty lips … _pulse … pulse … trust … trust_, she pulled back to find his eyes.

"That goes both ways, you know," Derek sighed, taking her hand in his where he raised her hand and kissed her palm.

"I do know that," she smiled, leaning back and against her pillows. "Come to bed," she whispered, turning back the covers for him.

And so he did. Standing, he walked around the bed and slipped into the linens with her. Meredith turned her bedside lamp off and the room went dark for a brief moment while the pair rolled into one another – _her body flush against his, her head on his chest, her free hand slipping under his shirt, resting on his abdomen, his arms around her _– the room quiet and serene save now for the collective beat of their hearts. Shifting closer, Derek instinctively pressed his nose into Meredith's golden tresses and breathed, her familiar floral essence filling his lungs now as if no time had passed. He sighed and ran his fingertips under her tank top and then along her spine, and in no time, felt the weight of her body become one with his.

_Closing his eyes, he wondered if it could ever get better than this – together at last, no secrets, no obstacles – and then in that same breath, he thought for sure it would, for surely they were on the precipice of something extraordinary. _

He sighed with relief and felt Meredith shift and lean up on her elbow before she ducked down and set her lips upon his neck over his pulse, her mouth making its way to his. He opened his eyes then and found her, where even in the dark, he could tell she was blushing. She draped her knee over his thighs and set her hand on his chest, resting it over his heart. He tilted his head up and admired her.

"So … she knows about us … Dr. Bailey …," Meredith wondered, for it was true enough that she'd been up front with her friends about the state of her relationship with Derek … but not so much with Dr. Bailey who'd made it clear she didn't want to know the sordid details of their personal lives.

"Yes …," he said softly with a smile. "We don't need to hide anymore," he deemed thoughtfully, setting his hand on her flushed cheek. "I don't want secrets this time, I can't, it's too important…," he whispered.

Meredith smiled weakly. "Hmm … how did she take it?" she wondered timidly, thinking now about the conversation she tried to have with Dr. Bailey on the topic once before. "Remember … the leveling of the playing field, your patient Mr. Levangie … she was so pissed," she sighed pointedly.

"Well, she'll have to get over it," he smirked slightly, eliciting a giggle from Meredith. His face softened. "We don't have anything to hide … I need you to feel confident in that … I've been candid with Richard, there's no reason to keep this from Dr. Bailey or from anyone else," he encouraged, scanning her eyes for uncertainty.

"Hey …," she whispered, leaning closer. "I'm not saying I want to hide," she sighed with a tiny smile. "I just … wanted our thing to be ours … first, without all the politics … and complications …," she smiled weakly.

"Come here," Derek breathed, drawing her near, settling her back into the cradle hold of his embrace. "It's all going to work out," he encouraged, thinking if they could survive a day like today, they certainly could survive the wrath of Dr. Miranda Bailey. "Anyway, everything's relative – _she's on maternity leave and her husband is in recovery_ – truthfully, the last thing she's probably worried about it us," he offered realistically.

"I suppose," Meredith whispered, smiling at his logic, sighing as she let herself relax again, burrowing deeper into his innate heat where she stayed.

_A comfortable silence overcame the room then – the last of the tension ebbing from their nerves as they let themselves go – ensconced in bliss as the world at large fading away while they finally wrapped themselves up in that chrysalis they had so masterfully created when they were shut-ins early on (and dreamt about thereafter) … and just like that, deep inside the solace of Meredith's bedroom, they became 'them' again. _

_Meredith sighed into the quiet and situated herself in front of Derek, his arms instinctively moving around hers, his nose pressed into the crease of her neck where she felt him ground himself and breathe her in … in, out, in, out, hot tufts of his air warmed her from the outside, in. She pushed herself into the spoon of his body where he hummed in pleasure and pressed his supple lips on her shoulder, his mouth open and tasting her flesh … and it was there, inside this perfect, silent moment, that she finally closed her eyes and submitted to the reality of their proximity._

_Safe … she once again felt safe and sound in the confines of her room where no one could find them, and it was a dream come true. For the dread of yet another, endless, sleepless night was gone – for no longer would the ghost of what once was haunt her so – because he was back … and she had believe that this time, he was emotionally and physically, hers._

She sighed into the quiet. "I'm glad we're off tomorrow …," she announced, drawing his healing hands up to her mouth where she kissed them.

"Me too," Derek answered softly. "Outside of checking on Tucker Jones, I have nothing planned …," he whispered. "Except for maybe more of this …," he intimated, his fingertips dancing along the contours of her curves.

"Well good," she giggled. "Because I don't want to do anything, but be in this room with you … alone …," she whispered, turning inside his embrace, her lips meeting his as she began to kiss him senseless, her knee draped over his hips, finding it almost impossible now to keep her need and want of him at bay.

Derek hummed into their kiss as Meredith rolled on top of him, his hands flanking her face and her, his. "Alone with you … in here, sounds perfect," he smiled up at her.

Meredith sighed. "I just … want you, Derek – _so badly_ – just like it was at the beginning before all the rest of it happened … but with your conscience clear …," she expressed her secret wish out loud, pinning her knees to his torso as she held him there.

"Me too … ," he husked, staring into the reflection of her moonlit gateways. "Just us … nothing between us now … with my conscience clear … so clear that you're all I see …," he sighed, feeling the lithe weight of her body over his and their perfect anatomical fit.

_They sighed breathlessly together then, breathing in tandem, his hands fingertips moving to her spine again as she leaned down and into his heat and kissed him – soft and quick … soft and quick – until she rolled to his side and set her ear over his trumpeting heart and listened … closing her heavy eyes, drifting off to that whimsical place of dreams … until she heard the soft timbre of his voice. She opened her eyes._

"You know … all day … I tried to pin my hopes to some happy memory of ours …," he began softly, his fingertips running idly over her spine, up and down. He sighed. "So … I thought if I could remember our last happy kiss – _when we were together and happy_ – I wanted to remember that …," he mused with a tiny smile … his heart raced. "But … I couldn't …," he finally admitted, his eyes watching the shallow shadows as they danced along the walls of her bedroom.

_Meredith didn't miss the tremor of his voice. Sighing, she craned her neck back to find him, kissing the underside of his chin before she smiled, her mind instantly pinpointing on a distant, far off place … a whimsical moment in time – this precious memory she'd held onto for many nights since their separation – this place in time when they were truly happy … and perfect. She smiled radiantly and began to share the memory._

"It was a Thursday morning …," she smiled in recollection, her eyes pinned to his, moonlight cascading over them. "I was ah … wearing that ratty little Dartmouth t-shirt you like so much …," she intimated, her soft giggle echoing into the quiet.

"The one with the hole in the back of the neck," he recalled wistfully with a smile that matched hers.

"Hmm, mmm," she hummed and then her smile brightened. "I'd gotten out of the shower – _you were running late for surgery_ – you said you were gonna see me later …," she whispered, his eyes transfixed now. "And you kissed me … soft …," she breathed. "It was quick – _kinda like a habit_ – you know … like we'd do it every day for the rest of our lives …," she husked, her eyes moving over his until she sighed heavily. "I went back to reading the newspaper and you went to work. That was the last time we kissed …," she smiled, her memory of that moment … so solid … so special – _it was made of magic_ – this perfect moment in time before everything fell apart around them.

_Derek smiled up at his woman, a renewed sense of thankfulness cloaking him now as he could only see her … and this memory that had etched itself so deeply inside her mind's eye that he couldn't help but see it too. He drew her near, cupping his hand over her pink cheek. _

"You smelled like some kind of flower …," he whispered, tilting his head.

"Lavender," she answered softly. "My hair smelled like lavender from my conditioner," she intimated with a small smile she saved just for him.

"Lavender … hmm," he hummed, brushing his nose against hers as he breathed her in and found it: _the lavender. _He smiled. "Thank you … for making that memory for me …," he sighed into their heat.

Meredith leaned in, closing the tiny gap between them, her lips barely touching his. "Kiss me now … just like that …," she exhaled thickly, her heart fluttering.

"Soft and quick … and forever … for … the rest of our lives, Meredith …," he sighed, her minty hot breath fanning his face.

"Yes … forever …Derek …," she replied without hesitation.

'_Forever', she chanted again and again now as their mouths made uninhibited love … while the pain and loneliness housed inside this room, this once-private den of secrets … vanished once and for all and became the foundation upon which they stood, for now and for all time. Her mind tenaciously circulating around those solemn promises of 'forever' … 'forever' … she chanted in time with the rhythm of their kisses as the ghosts of their past finally disappeared … where they seized the moment and their second chance and made it theirs._

**In My Life – Epilogue to follow.**


End file.
